Heartache

A year ago, possibly to the day, I received a text from a dear friend saying "Will you please pray for my dad?" If I am to be completely honest, it is probably this text message that changed the dynamic of our relationship forever. I was reminded of this message and the impact it had on our relationship when I received the same message tonight from the same person: "Keep my dad in your prayers." Even in the varying wording of the two messages, I can see the difference in our relationship. Better, of course. More open; more trusting.

Just a few days after receiving that message I received another. An email from the Pastor at the Campus Ministry I attended on occasion; a long-time friend and important member of this ministry had been killed on New Year's Eve. I was speechless. To this day, I'm still shocked at the idea of him being gone. I could never express to you what an amazing person our world lost that night. I know that you only ever hear the good things about those who have passed, but I don't think I could come up with anything bad to say about Michael if I wanted to. He was a blessing to everyone he spoke to. I am honored that I was able to call him my friend for a few short years.

There's something about this time of year. It evokes reflection and nostalgia on just about everyone. It's especially hard when you've lost someone. It absolutely breaks my heart when my friends ask me for prayer. I love praying for people, I really do, but I kind of hate knowing that they *need* it.

Tonight, when I received that message, I was so much more heartbroken than I ever expected to be. In the back of my mind, I knew it was an option, but I was nearly in tears--and would have been if I wasn't so good at distracting myself. I will faithfully pray for 'Dad' everyday for as long as it takes, but it will break my heart. For him; for his family. Please pray with me for this man and his doctors as they try to learn more about what's wrong. And please pray for the Warren family as they struggle through the holiday season with the heartache of missing their son.

Blessed is he who has regard for the weak;

the Lord delivers him in times of trouble.

The Lord will protect him and preserve his life;

he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes.

The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness.

Psalm 41:1-3

Boom Boom Boom

I get carried away by the look

By the light in your eyes

Before I even realize the ride I'm on

Baby, I'm long gone

I get carried away

Cravings

I can't wait to feel the rush of traveling.

Can't wait.

I'm craving traveling almost as much as I'm craving adventure.

Exercise

Today in the middle of a run on the elliptical, I decided to do some floor exercises. To do this, I needed one of my tools which was in the car. So I ran to the car (actually ran). Then I gave a real run a shot. I ran a circle around my apartment (approx. 1/2 a mile), and before I made it back I was limping from pain in my right knee and hip.

I guess I just needed a reminder as to why I need that elliptical.

So sad.

Running outside was so much more fulfilling!

Belongings

"The God of heaven will give us success. We his servants will start rebuilding, but as for you, you have no share in Jerusalem or any claim or historic right to it." - Nehemiah 2:20

As the Lord calls people and situations into our lives, He asks us to pour into them and build them up. The Lord called Nehemiah to rebuild Jerusalem, the city in which his Fathers were buried. Because of the Lord's favor, he was provided many men to also pour into Jerusalem and build it up. But Nehemiah understood something the other men did not. Just because they were spending their energy and time rebuilding this city as their families were home alone without men, did not mean they had any right to the final product.

How many times have I been called to a person or place to pour God's love in, then felt as though I had a right speak my mind into he/she/it? Hundreds, I'm sure. But I have no right. Everything good I do is God using me as a vessel--it's not my idea, plan, or even implementation. I don't get to decide what happens next. In all things, no matter how wise I think I am, I must seek the Lord for guidance and truth before making any decision.

Wow.

Memories

I love the way the mind works. How it plays memories back just like a movie.

At night when I'm trying to sleep, I can close my eyes and I'm back in Hong Kong.

Walking over the bridge to the mall in Sha Tin.

Standing in TST looking across the canal into Central.

Finding my way through Festival Walk by myself for the first time.

Walking back to the hotel at midnight.

Sitting quietly on top of Lamma Island watching ships sail in.

I can see it all clear as day. I want so badly to go back there, but I know it won't be the same. As much as I miss it, my ten days in Hong Kong will forever be cherished and will forever be sealed in my mind. Memories. I don't want to ruin them by trying to recreate them. They're perfect just the way they are.

Thank You, Lord, for blessing me with the most amazing Spring Break. Thank You for blessing me with the opportunity to experience you in a whole new way. I love you.

Optimism

It's amazing how I can always find the best in people, but it never works out for me. They never can see the best in themselves and I get the short-end-of-the-stick.

One day.

Hoosier

I still miss you everyday.

"Give to Caesar what is Caesar's" - Jesus

As I sit and ponder all the ways I can get out from under my student loans faster than (enter cliche phrase here), I think I have stumbled upon something interesting.

One of my very favorite things to do is analyze people. I like to deconstruct the way people interact to one another, to situations, and tangible things they encounter. Something that we each encounter every day is money. It's regularly discussed how people interact with money: some people spend, some people save, et cetera, et cetera.

I hate money. No, I don't think you understand. I HATE MONEY. I hate what it stands for; I hate the way people idolize it; and I hate--more than I hate the devil himself--that it is a necessity in our culture. We'll come back to that.

I have heard people say "I don't go to work." For those of you who don't know, they're not saying that they don't have a job (well, these days they might be saying just that), they're saying that they love their job so much that it doesn't feel like work. It's what they love to do.

For those of you who have ever been in debt, you know what it feels like. For the past three years I have been accruing student loans to pay for my housing. I also used those loans to pay for an amazing and once-in-a-lifetime trip to Hong Kong. (I learned so much about myself, our culture, and their culture while I was there. I don't regret that time for a second.) During those blissful college years, the loans were a means. I was not emotionally involved in the money and was unaware of what it truly meant to spend it--it wasn't mine. Now that I am out of college I have exactly $18,000 in debt (accruing interest, of course). It's not much in comparison to some people, but eighteen thousand dollars is a lot of money. Don't even get me started on what I would do with that. Right now, though, I am enslaved to that amount.

Here's where the late-night insight comes in: I am enslaved to the thing I hate most. But not everyone hates money. In fact, some people *love* it. So I have to wonder: for those people who love money, is being enslaved to money as enjoyable as loving your job? If so, do those people understand how much of what they love is being lost by being indebted to others? I hate money and I hate being in debt. Thus, I am doing everything I can to get rid of it in two to three years, and I will end up saving literally thousands because of it. But so many people spend their entire lives paying off loans and the interest from the loans and they don't realize all the amazing things they can do with the money they're paying in interest. Although, to those who love money, those amazing things may be as useless as buying a $100,000 car the day before you die.

Ok. That wasn't a successful wrap, but I'll leave all two of you who read this to continue the thoughts in your head. Let me know if you come up with anything good.

"And they were amazed at Him" - Mark 12:17

"I was made to love and be loved by You." - Toby Mac

Most days, I really enjoy my job. I work hard, keep productivity high, and make sure we're in the positives. However, my list of things to do is growing increasingly (And most of them I don't know how to do). Well, the list is in my head. I'm afraid to write it down because I think I'm going to forget something. It's so stressful. There are so many things to juggle. And with the potential impending doom, I think I may explode--or, worse, let my boss see me cry.

If I weren't enslaved to these stupid student loans, I'd be purchasing a plane ticket to Scotland for TOMORROW. I need to serve. THAT'S what I was made for. Not this.

*sigh*

"I can't figure out just how much air I will need to breathe when Your tide rushes over me." - Needtobreathe

"Even now," declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning."

Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing--grain offerings for the Lord your God.

- Joel 2:12-14

He is calling me. And I WILL answer. It's time to turn and run, time to find my wholeness in the Lord, time to receive peace in my life once again.

Here I am.

Saturday Morning.

I really like mornings. I like to take them slow. It seems to be the only time of day that I can do things as I please. Lately I've been waking up with a strong desire to cook a full meal. Of course, I never have time for such things in the morning, so I really wish I could have that desire when I get home from work. But, alas, here it is. I could make chili or taco meat. That would be delish. But not now, unfortunately. One day I'll live in a house again and I'll be able to use that beautiful grill my dad bought me a couple of years ago. Ahhh... I had some good times on that grill before the law caught up with me.

Today is day two of Turn. The company is handling it well and George seems to be really excited about where the company is headed. We've almost got all the numbers figured out. Tomorrow is the First of August. I have deemed August the Month of Efficiency. We are going to be super smart with our time this month. There's a schedule and a focus and a goal. Not to mention, with turn behind us we don't have to feel like we're sitting on our hands with half of our projects.

Today is going to be a very productive day. Then I'm going to come home and get on my elliptical! :) Oh how I love my new toy!

<3

Love

I want it.

I need it.

I have it.

:)

Texas Hold 'Em

It's time to put on my poker face and play the game.

Father: guidance, peace, and strength, please.

Fallen.

I fell.

And I'm still falling.

Father, let Your will be done.

Random

Next Wednesday will mark one month working for Classic City Realty.

So far, the only bad thing about working full-time is waking up on Friday and figuring how to convince yourself that you MUST shower and blow-dry your hair--it's even harder when no one is going to be in the office all day. Casual Friday? Probably.

I'm about 2/3 done with my current novel. Then me and J- are going to read Lord of the Rings together. I'm really excited about it; I've never read them before.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with my mom for more grown-up clothes. And maybe some make-up, too. It's really nice of them to take me shopping--I can't afford to go on my own.

Speaking of money: I've got to figure out how much I have and how much I'm spending. Especially since my power bill was nearly thrice what I expected it to be. :(

Stupid student loans. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be so worried..

Maybe I'll get a good amount of graduation money to pay them off and I won't have to worry much about them for a year. I'll be able to save up again--when I'm getting paid more.

I'm still working on that second job. I know it sounds crazy, but an extra one or two hundred dollars a month will really loosen things up a bit. Make budgeting more realistic and less idealistic.

It'll work itself out.

I have to get myself motivated to be productive today. I didn't get a *ton* done yesterday, which is disappointing. But I'll get a lot done today then play hard all weekend. :)

Dear Adulthood,

I know it took me a long time to find you, but I'm so glad you're in my life. You're really fantastic.

Can You Hear The Whisper?

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks, but the Lord was not in the wind.

After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.

After the earthquake, there came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.

And after the fire there came a gentle whisper.

1 Kings 19:11b-12

Defying the Mold

When I was a cute little girl who couldn't say her R's right, I hated barbies. In fact, I vividly remember sitting in my mom's floor one night when this following situation occurred:

Little Heather holds two new barbies in her hands. She makes then face each other. She then uses a monotone voice to narrate a conversation between the two as she bobs them, respectively, up and down so that anyone who may (or may not) be watching knows which barbie is saying what.

Barbie 1: Hey how are you?

Barbie 2: Fine, how are you?

Barbie 1: I'm bored.

Little Heather then throws both barbies down and tells mom she's bored.

Nope, I wasn't the barbie-type. I liked baby dolls. I vividly remember getting my first baby doll one Christmas morning. Her name was Kelley, she was born on March 17th (St. Patrick's day and my grandfather's birthday). Kelley had on an outfit that could not be removed. Her outfit was fitted with such attachments that it taught me to button, zip, snap, and--the one I had the hardest time with--tie. She had horribly ugly blonde curly hair, but luckily there was a hood attached to her that covered her hair--it only came off to show people how ugly her hair was. Kelley was sitting on a new pink and green bike that Christmas morning. I think I was more excited about the doll. Unfortunately, she was in my Honda when it was stolen, otherwise she'd probably be on a shelf on the wall in my new apartment.

Followed by Kelley I received many other cabbage patch dolls. I remember pitching fits to get my parents to take me to get Freida (mom hated her name because she had a teacher in gradeschool named Freida and she was mean) and Ali, who was admittedly much cuter than Freida. I'm sure I got other dolls, but those three were my favorites. I had a little stroller and I would take them to the mall with me. Once, a woman told me my baby doll looked real. Now I know she was lying, but at the time it made my day. For these dolls I also had car seats so that they were safe when we were riding to and from the mall; and I would yell at my mom if she started driving before the doll was buckled in properly.

I fed the dolls, gave them naps, and changed their diapers. I used my allowance to buy them *gasp* real baby clothes (at consignment stores), which I also pitched fits to go to. By the age of five I wanted to help in the infant room at day care and, honestly, didn't understand why I couldn't--I was SO good with my baby dolls!

By seven I wanted to be a pediatric cardio surgeon. More than that, I wanted to be mother. I really wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I dreamed of doing laundry, cleaning, and taking care of children while my husband was at work; and, in my world, when he came home I had dinner cooked and children bathed--it was true bliss.

Fast forward to fifteen years later.

For a month and a half I was, what I called, a part-time mom. Officially my title was "Nanny." I cooked-ish and cleaned. I did laundry, bathed the younger girl, and made sure all the other little tasks were done so the mother could relax and spend time with her girls when she got home. I was amazed at all the bureaucracy that went along with being a mother. All the "her mom did this" and "that girl said that" and "she doesn't like me anymore." But my boss, she could look past all of that and see her two beautiful girls and know it's all worth it.

What really amazed me was how turned off I was by suburbia. The childhood dream I once had has become a nightmare. I could look the part in a heartbeat. I have clothes in my closet RIGHT NOW that would have me pinned as Mrs. Suburbia by any mother in any supermarket in America. But, honestly, I hope I am never there.

Don't get me wrong, I still am instilled with a strong desire to clean and cook. I want so badly to have a man that I respect enough to *enjoy* doing his laundry and cleaning our home so he can relax--even after I come home from work. I really do desire to serve a man for the rest of my life. What I don't desire: being a "soccer mom." I honestly have no desire to have children. I believe there is a life out there that will be so much more fulfilling to me than being a mother. Many of my friends have told me that I will change my mind; and if I do, that's great. However, it's my prerogative to decide if I want children or not and no matter how many times I've been told what an amazing mother I'll be--I don't have to be one. I am truly excited by the thought of working and being a servant wife, but--right now, at least--I feel only dread when I think of raising children.

So, thank you to everyone who has told me I will be a great mother! That is truly a compliment and a take it honestly. And thank you to everyone who has tried to talk me out of this "craziness" as it is often seen. I have to believe that the Lord has taken this desire out of me for a reason. Maybe I'm not physically capable of having children and He doesn't want to disappoint me. I know, however, that He has a life planned for me that I will enjoy more than any life I could plan for myself. So I will embrace my desires no matter what mold I have cast for myself. And I will break it as He calls me to. :)

Oh, what freedom we have in Him!

Better Than I Deserve

As we were growing up into the people we are today, we were always talking about how fantastic life would be in the future.

At three it was: I can't wait to grow up so I can eat all the candy I want and play all the time and never ever clean up anything.

At thirteen: I can't wait to grow up so I can drive myself wherever I want and do everything I want to do.

At seventeen: I can't wait to graduate high school so I can go to college and not have to live with my parents anymore.

At nineteen: I can't wait to turn 21 so I can drink whenever I want. And so people don't make fun of how young I am.

At twenty-one: I can't wait to graduate from college so I don't have to go to class anymore.

They say that college will be the best 4 (or 5) years of your life. I LOVED college. I wouldn't trade any of it, really. I kept my grades up. I spent time with friends, in ministry, dancing, traveling, loving, and being blessed. But there were those darn classes that kept distracting me from life.

Today, I am the Business Manager for Classic City Realty. Honestly, I've never been happier. Within the next year or two I will be COMPLETELY financially independent from my (awesome) parents. I am living in my own apartment that I pay for myself. I work 40+ hours a week for a truly awesome boss in a great company that has A LOT of potential. I am blessed to have a great family and awesome friends (even though most of them have moved to atlanta).

What's really great?!? I talk to many of my friends more now than I did when we were all in Athens together. It's so exciting to me to talk to people I've known for 4+ years about our adult jobs and how much fun and freedom comes with being an adult.

Sure, working all day, all week is exhausting. But being able to wake up to my own apartment on the weekends and clean everything, watch the world cup, finish organizing my place, and talk to friends who are elsewhere, THAT is amazing. I really am blessed to be where I am today, and I really don't want to be anywhere else for a while. :)

In closing, all those childhood dreams were right. I'm not an astronaut, a pediatric cardio-surgeon, a psychiatrist, a member of FBI's BAU, a famous mathematician, or a professional character animator; but being an adult, being able to make my own decisions, suffer my own consequences, clean my own dishes! That's what I've been looking forward to my whole life. And I'm finally here.

Thanks to everyone who has been supporting me, praying for me, and encouraging me along the way. I can truly say that I wouldn't be living this blessing without you and the love God has placed inside you. I hope that the Lord blesses you as He has blessed me--much more than I deserve.

Be Blessed!

-h

Adulthood

I got a big-girl job. :)

www.classiccitymanagement.com

"Everything, it seems, I like's a little bit stronger; a little bit harder; a little bit harmful for me."

This Rufus Wainwright song "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" is most definitely my new 'wind down' background music. It's fabulous, actually.

Tonight is my second night inhabiting the studio apartment that Miss Daynes previously evacuated. The walls are a beautiful shade of green, of course. And they are stunning. :) It seems there is more painting to come. I do love painting, I do. It's the taping and the lingering smell that put me off just a bit. I guess it's all worth it. I should be here for two more years, at least.

I'm getting a flat screen TV tomorrow. Thank you to pops and bro for the donation. I'm learning the value of gifts more and more as I begin paying for things with money I actually work for. It's amazing how you never really think of these things until your own sweat and tears go into the money you're dishing out.

Me and Jesus don't spend enough time together these days. Guess who's fault that is.. I use the excuse that I'm super busy; but when I do sit down, I consciously avoid it. It feels like He's sitting right here in the room and I'm simply ignoring His presence. It's that always-in-the-back-of-your-mind feeling. I've got to work on that.

I have a long list of to-do's tomorrow before the pick-up.

I'm, really, ready for June 7th. I've almost accepted that things are not going back to Fall '09 and I'm ready to get to know the life that lies ahead. Unfortunately, that life does not begin until eminent changes come to pass. I'm guessing that June 7th will mark the completion (or near-completion) of these changes. You can't start getting used to something until it's here. I guess I'm ready for it to get here.

I really hate just accepting things. I need some emotion to go into it. Maybe I'll get to the bottom of that tonight. Meaning, I might be able to find the emotion necessary to make this transition smoother. Maybe. Maybe not.

Lord, My dear Father who craves my attention, decrease me and increase You in my heart. I want to know You more. I want to learn Your gentleness and justice; Your strength and compassion; Your love. I want those things to overflow out of me and into the lives of the two beautiful girls You have placed in my care. Help me to see them as your children. Father, why do You not provide these girls with the wisdom that You instilled in me? It's so hard for me to relate to them. I cannot understand how they do not see what I saw. Help me, Father.

"Oh the glory that the Lord has made and the complications you can do without when I kiss you on the mouth."

My birthday was fabulous. Nearly perfect, actually! :)

Back To Forgetting

Sarah.

Is today really her birthday?

Yes it is. I remember now.

[I click on her page.]

Before today the last wall post was April 17th.

That's a long time.

I wonder if it'll take 3 years before someone goes a month without writing on Michael's wall.

Michael.

[I go to his page.]

Look at all the people who remember him.

They remember him enough to write on his wall.

And his family, Oh.

I really should pray for them more often.

It still doesn't feel real.

I wonder what he would say about all the anxiety I have.

Seems like he's still alive.

I still can't believe he's dead.

Looks like people are going back to Japan.

He really enjoyed his time there

I remember talking to him about my Scotland trip.

He begged me to go to Japan instead.

I kinda wish I'd gone.

Oh well.

Oh. I've read these already.

The ones about graduation.

I still can't believe his family went.

I wonder how that must have felt.

I cannot imagine.

[Then the oven goes off and I turn on the TV before putting my food in. Now my mind is back to the unimportant things in life. Now I'm back to forgetting.]

Sleep.

It's funny how I thought I'd start sleeping after graduation. Maybe I'll start sleeping in June? But probably I'll start sleeping in 2012. That's my best guess.

Denial.

If you know anything about me, you know I'm a professional denier. It's something I'm working on. I'm pretty terrible at lying, but if I wanted to I could convince myself the sky was orange. (Although, orange is an ugly color... so I would never want to do that.)

For a while now I've been actively (and rather successfully) convincing myself that John isn't moving away, and neither is Kelley. And when Billy comes home he's going to move back into University Garden Apartments and send me my bi-weekly "my back hurts" texts. And we'll all be suffering through classes forever.

Today, I began preparing myself for the truth. John is moving. In just a few short weeks he'll be in Indiana, I'll be in 5 Points, Kelley will be temporarily at home with her family, and Billy will be back for a week or so then off to travel the world again. And when he comes home, it won't be to University Garden Apartments. It'll be to Midtown.

No more watching 3 movies a week with John. Or regular stops on the couch to watch SVU with Kelley. No more back massages in sketchy apartment complexes. All four of us are getting real life, grown up jobs. Sadly, my relationship with these three people--who have become necessary components in my life--will be reduced to mostly Skype conversations. Billy, of course, I'll see more than John and Kelley, but only because he'll be located much closer than they will be. Ideally, I'll make trips to see both Kelley and John in there respective homes, but special trips aren't the same as regular hang-outs.

I know this means I'm going to have the opportunity to meet even more of the beautiful people God created and I'm going to grow some awesome new friendships.

I will certainly still have friends here in Athens and I'm excited about spending time with those people and expanding my relationship with them, but I will miss these three quite a bit.

I'm working on finding the good--I know there's plenty of it. But I'm really going to miss you guys.

"I'm Scared."

For the last year or so, when things get hard, I find myself talking to God. Most often I find myself saying, "Father, I'm scared." Most of the feelings I have I associate with one word, this word is associated with many different kinds of fear. Many different kinds of scared.

So I realized just now: I live in fear.

Guess now I have something to talk to SB about. Woo hoo. (sarcasm)

If you're reading this, please pray for me. thanks.

J.B.O.: I don't know if you'll ever see this, but I'm sorry I was so afraid. I told Him many times I was afraid of you, maybe things would have been different if I hadn't been. Third time's a charm? We'll see next year, won't we.

The Difference Between Guys and Girls: #1

So there's something going on and a conversation needs to be had, but there's work/school to do.

Guys need to get the work done first. They're more likely to be able to think clearly about the situation at hand if they don't have other work distracting them from making a hasty decision.

Girls can't focus on the school/work stuff until the conversation is had. I mean, we can, but we'd be much more productive if a decision was already made.

Who wins? Guys, of course. Every girl will say that they'd rather suffer through the distractions during their school/work than have the guy make a decision that was not well-thought-out so he can get back to his work.

Once again, this is where I am. I'm having to force my mind to focus on school knowing that when he's done we'll get to talk. But it's difficult when every five seconds my mind goes back to him and us. But, in just a few hours it'll be over. I'll be jamming out, cleaning, going to karate, etc. I'll be doing everything I can to keep my mind off of it until Friday. I think maybe we'll just chill Thursday night. No need to get all serious after his last final, just go get some ice cream and have fun. Then, Friday, we'll chat. After he moves out, of course. :(

Oh well, back to school work. Only 6 hours until my last final. Gotta get to learning this junk.

Junk. Ha. Got that word from him... :(

Yeah. It's THAT time.

May two thousand ten will be here in three short days. Three days until I begin the most eventful, stressful, change-filled month of my life. For the past seventeen years I have been a student. Every. Single. Day. After May 3rd, everything I learn will be for pleasure. For pure enjoyment and the betterment of my life. Yes, that is very exciting. But what other events make this next month the most anticipated and feared month of my life to date?

I am finishing my degree. What a feat. I will be Heather Anne Byrd, B.A. HAHA! What a sight to see! I will be a certified badass. Yep, I earned that title for sure.

I am moving to a new apartment. For the first time in my life, my rent, utilities, food, and gas will all be paid for with money that I earned.

I am beginning a job. Yes, thankfully I will have a job to pay all of those bills with. I will be a working, bill-paying "adult." I'll never be an adult, but I'm good with responsibilities. I guess that's the qualification.

Those are all mostly good things with only a few cons. The most feared part of the month is still ahead.

On May 24th I will be turning 22 years old. My whole life I have seen this number and believed that this is the age when other adults--people with jobs, bills, children, spouses, mortgages, etc--finally begin accepting a person as one of their own. By 22 most of us have graduated college, moved out of their parent's house (for good), and accepted a job of some kind. Younger me thought those were all the qualifications necessary to be inducted into the Adult Club. (A club, I must say, I don't really want to be inducted into.) However, with 22 just around the corner, I have changed my mind. I think this number is 30. I hate to do that, because 30 is the dreaded number of anyone in their 20s. And, honestly, what's worse than turning thirty AND being told you're not a certified adult. But 25 is too close for me to put the bar there. Maybe 27? Maybe 72? I like 72. :)

Finally, the worst of the month will be upon me after my birthday. The move. No, not my move. I'm rather looking forward moving into my new place and making it homey... and maybe a tad girly. *gasp*
No, the move I am dreading most is the en mass move of all my closest friends:

Kelley Ann Moore. My best friend, roommate, confidant, and fellow SVU-watcher is moving to Washington DC to begin the next stage of her life of service as a math teacher. I can't even talk about how much I'm going to miss her. She is truly irreplaceable.

Billy Graham. My longest-standing guy friend to date. He should get an award for simply putting up with me for the past three years. No one else lasted that long. He has had a true impact on my life in many respects. Most valuable to me, he has pushed me to become a better, more compassionate person. He's not sat me down and talked to me about how I don't love people enough--nothing like that. He's just loved. He's really a compassionate guy. Don't tell him I told you, though. He might get mad. I think it's supposed to be a secret. Anyway, Billy is moving back from Hong Kong and over to Atlanta. Sure, it's not far. But he's moving into adult-hood much faster than I am. So even though Atlanta is just an hour and a half away, Billy will be farther because he'll be busy like real adults. Poor guy.

John Otwell. I've only known John about a year or so. And, really, we've just been good friends for a few months. But in those few months we have had some fantastic conversations. We enjoy challenging each other's thoughts on important--and no-so-important--life topics. And we enjoy being challenged by each other. He is moving to Indiana to care for and love on people up there for a year. I can't really get mad at him for doing something awesome like that. I'm just mad that he's moving. Punk.

Well, I feel better now that I've said all that.

Somewhat Topical

Disaster's in the air.

New Relevant Bumper Sticker

Things change.

Friends leave.

And life doesn't stop for anybody.



I would like life to stop for a while. I would like for my friends to stop leaving. I would like to be able to handle changes without the fear that I'm living in right now. I'd like just one more constant, please.

Define Selfish

Why is it that the thought of disappointing or displeasing my friend has me twisted up in a knot, but it's so easy for me to do something I know is displeasing to My Savior. Not everything, sure, but if I want something bad enough then I can justify my desire even when I know God doesn't want it. Right now, I want to do something, but I know that doing it will be potentially displeasing, disappointing or even just annoying to my friend and that, alone, has me not even wanting it. As though the thought of disappointing this person gives me a discomfort that overpowers my original desire.

Does that make me selfless or an idolator?

What Do You Expect?

When I was sixteen-years-old, I had my life planned out. I was going to go to college, find a nice boy, date him for a couple of years, get engaged, then get married right after graduation. I actually know a few people who did/are doing this. Cute. I expected that to be me, too. By the end of my sophomore year in college, I hadn't had a serious boyfriend in over a year. I was certainly looking, but "nothing panned out," as they say. At this point, I began to wonder if my expectations were reaching a bit, so I began to change them. "I'll meet someone soon, and we'll get married a bit later, or not date as long, but it'll be almost like I thought." Then, the end of junior year: "Well I'm certainly not going to meet and marry someone in a year." My expectations changed, but I thought for sure I'd meet someone before I graduated. Now, I hope I don't.

When I was eighteen-years-old, I was beginning college as an undeclared math major. I had the next three, yes three, years of my life planned. I would hurry through college, taking as many hours as I could and finish my BS in Math before my twenty first birthday. We even bought the one year membership of the SAA instead of the 4 year because I expected to graduate in three years, and I was dead-set on that. A year and a half later I'm pursuing a AB in Film on the opposite side of campus, hoping Mr. Right spends his time on north, rather than south, campus. Now, four years later, I'm about to graduate; and I'm thankful I left math when I did.

When I was around twelve-years-old when I was first encouraged to do martial arts by my parents. Sure, I was a tom-boy, but I wasn't a BOY. That was a boy thing, and I was NOT interested. Freshman year in college my friend Mason and I pursued the idea for about a week--they were offering classes in Ramsey--but the thought of wearing that silly white uniform? I expected that I would look ridiculous, and feel even more ridiculous than I looked. When Billy first started talking to me about self-defense classes, I chuckled at his efforts. It was at the same place he did his karate and jiu jitsu (which, back then, I spelled differently every time). But it was cute, in a "your hands are shaking" kind of way, that he asked. And each time he asked the thought seemed more and more absurd. But it was August 2008 and there I was in the American Black Belt Academy at some open house he somehow conned me into going to. It was worth it, I got to see a girl flip him over her shoulder and onto the ground. I counted it as a win, I suppose. What I never expected that a year after that, I would be training in that same room--and loving it! Craving it, even. Now, I'm only a few months away from a green belt and wear a red uniform because I'm a member of the Black Belt Club.

In November when Billy first mentioned that he might be going to Hong Kong this semester, I was thrilled for him! What an exciting experience. I was, actually, quite jealous. Honestly, after two solid years of friendship, I never expected that I would miss him even a little bit. In January, when he got there, I missed him a lot. I suppose you really don't realize how close you've gotten with someone until they're not longer bugging you all the time. When we first started joking about me going over there for spring break, I never expected--not for a second--that it would happen. But, of course, I did. And I'm so glad I went. There is no doubt that the experience was worth so much more than the money I spent. It was truly life-changing. Now, I'd give anything to be back there. Well, I'd at least give a couple thousand dollars.

I never expected to have "bad cartilage" and arthritis in my joints at twenty-years-old, to be single and loving it at twenty-one, to go to three different countries in one year, to want to move to another country (asap), that I would actually consider not ever being a mother, that I would be good at animation, that I would *gasp* enjoy shopping.

I have expected so many things in my life and, not once, have my plans played out exactly as I expected them to.

The point? Stop expecting. Hope. Dream. Desire. But don't expect.

Memories

My favorite thing about traveling is the memories. There are so many things about my trip to Hong Kong that I could never tell you. Why? Because no language comes with words that are capable of describing the memories I have. The wind, the scents, the sounds, the life. A camera can capture what was there, but not what I saw. Not what I experienced. There is no snapshot of my feelings, my thoughts, my experiences. That's what's beautiful about life. It can only be experienced. So, why am I sitting on this couch contemplating a nap when I could be outside in the sun, walking around, listening to a good book, and experiencing this beautiful life I was given? Not for long, I'm about to get up and do just that: live life.

That being said, I would give $1000 to be back at the top of Lamma Island. To spend another 10 days in Hong Kong. To do it all over again. Gah! I really wish I could go back... The memories are great, but they're not enough.

If I Can't Get Quality Time, Could You At Least Send Some Words Of Affirmation?

It's nearly April. Graduation is becoming more of a reality than a landmark and more of a stressor than a relief. Occasionally the Vitamin C song "Graduation" comes on my iPod and it gets me reflecting on the last eight years of my life. Cliche: it feels like just yesterday.

But I'm not here to talk about the past. Well, actually I am. One day, today will be the past. Tomorrow, today will be the past, so, in essence, I suppose we're always talking about the past. Anyway.

Right now sucks. I have a lot going on and need nothing more than a few comforting words and some quality time. So, since we're all absurdly busy being wrapped up in our own commitments (myself included), is there any chance I could get a "hello" or a short phone call once in a while? I really need it these days.

For more information on the words "Quality Time" and "Words of Affirmation" go to www.fivelovelanguages.com

I prefer this quiz for finding out what your love languages are: http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Thanks.

On Behalf Of Me and All My Friends

Fuck Monday.

I feel like I should apologize for my language, but I don't wanna. Sorry.

Be Safe or Take A Chance?

I have to make a decision by tomorrow that may or may not affect the rest of my life. Actually, by default it will affect the rest of my life, but it's importance has the potential to be life changing. I will change my day-to-day life for a minimum 3 months, but almost certainly longer by default.

The decision? To be safe or take a chance. ugh.

For one, my personality is not one to be asked a question like this. Ultimately, it's much more complicated than this; but if you step back you're asking me, really, if I should be adventurous or play-it-safe, as they say. I love adventure. I CRAVE adventure. Sure, I'm "Mommy Heather"--although I'm trying to break out of that name--and I always think about the consequences of my actions, but I still go for adventure most of the time, as long as it's not going to get my killed.

Now, in neither one of my options does death loom, so typical I would resort next to what I WANT to do. I want to travel. Go. Get the hell outta this stupid state--this stupid country--and go. Go until I can't go anymore. For me, that's to the tip of South America and back OR to the top of Scotland, depending on how things work out. But it isn't that simple. Why? First, I'm not going to let myself travel unless I have some kind of job lined up.

Herein lies the problem. I HAVE a job. It's not much, but it's guaranteed
$400 a month until August, experience in the field I want to pursue, and the opportunity to boost my resume and reel. The catch? I have to stay in Athens and gradate in August instead of May.

So now is decision time.

Option One: Take A Chance
-What does that look like?
Graduating in May. Not having a job over the summer. Moving out of my apartment in Athens and into my brothers. (Probably) Travelling either to Central/South America or Scotland/England/France for a month or longer. Having a job to come back to or at least being able to substitute teach everyday somewhere. Living with my bro when I get back. MAYBE doing Animation Mentor if I can't get anything with my reel. (Which is another $18,000 of loans, nearly doubling what I already have.)

Option Two: Play-it-safe
-What does that look like?
Keeping my job through July and probably getting another one. Taking the Intro to Action class to up my experience/confidence so I can get experience. Living in Athens with someone over the summer. Graduating in August. Hopefully having a job or at least being able to substitute teach everyday somewhere. Moving in with Clint in August unless I find a job somewhere else. MAYBE doing Animiation Mentor, but actually having some money to fall back on instead of none like I would if I go travelling.


So basically it comes down to travelling or not travelling. Having a financial safety net or not. I hate when it comes down to money. It makes me so angry. Not because I wish I had more, but because it just sucks that something so ridiculous holds people back from doing things. I really hate money. Like a lot.

I'll probably play it safe. I just can't bring myself to spend all that money without knowing if I'll have any income later. I wish I could be a live-in nanny somewhere. I wish I could do that for my aunt and uncle. They have the best kids, that would be awesome. Or even just down in Savannah so I could be near my cousins. *sigh* Maybe. Until then, it looks like I'm going to graduate in August. I should probably be more excited about it, but I'm not. I really wanna see more of the world.

I will see more of the world. Just not this year, apparently. Damn. I hate being safe.

*note: I have to leave now, so this has not been proof-read. Not that anyone will actually read it.*

Animation

I really love it. I'm not quite sure why I always dread coming into the lab. Maybe it's the lack of windows and the feel of intense isolation. But I really love sitting here trying to get something to move exactly like I want it to. It's a combination of everything I love: creativity, control, graphs, math, hard work, [occasionally] coding, and a very rewarding ending.

Coding. Coding is the reason I left the Computer Science department. You can't hate coding and be a CS major. Not successfully, or with any level of enjoyment. I didn't hate coding, per se. I hated not having someone who could successfully teach me ANYTHING about coding. Billy helped teach me some stuff; I went to two different 1302 classes trying to learn it; but in the end, my professor really just couldn't help me to way I needed. I'm an intelligent person, but, unlike very few others, I cannot learn something I have not been taught. I cannot teach myself. It's not something I'm horribly upset about, but I didn't want to spend 3+ years crying over coding. So I left. However, what little coding I did in 1301 I really enjoyed.

We've done some coding in animation and I've quite enjoyed it. Not as much as the actual animating, but it's a good skill to have.

Back to animation. It really does pull together everything I truly enjoy. It's not easy by any means, but it's so much fun that I often forget how much I'm working. Hours will pass without me realizing. It's fantastic. I would be SO blessed to be able to do this for the rest of my life. I really hope I can. Although, I'm thinking I'm going to have to do Animation Mentor. *sigh* That's a topic for another day. What really makes the animation fun is the music I get to listen to. I am truly thankful to my Lord for giving someone the intelligence to come up with pandora.com. This station really makes what little frustration Maya provides in the lab so easily forgetable.

The point of all of this was to share with you the station I've been listening to.

http://www.pandora.com/?sc=sh189586204447843035#/

I'm sure another day I will share another station with you, but that one is my favorite right now. It's far from perfect, but the songs are rather amazing most of the time. :)

Enjoy.

This Weekend

To Do list:

-read Bright Lights, Big City

-write a rough draft

-find sources for old Tout Va Bien paper

-find at least 5 more somewhat legit sources

-do walk cycles for anim

-spend at least 2 hours working on violet and colin

whew!

Please

I don't need you to understand, agree, or even approve. But will you at least be happy for me? I'm happy, really happy.