"Everything, it seems, I like's a little bit stronger; a little bit harder; a little bit harmful for me."

This Rufus Wainwright song "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" is most definitely my new 'wind down' background music. It's fabulous, actually.

Tonight is my second night inhabiting the studio apartment that Miss Daynes previously evacuated. The walls are a beautiful shade of green, of course. And they are stunning. :) It seems there is more painting to come. I do love painting, I do. It's the taping and the lingering smell that put me off just a bit. I guess it's all worth it. I should be here for two more years, at least.

I'm getting a flat screen TV tomorrow. Thank you to pops and bro for the donation. I'm learning the value of gifts more and more as I begin paying for things with money I actually work for. It's amazing how you never really think of these things until your own sweat and tears go into the money you're dishing out.

Me and Jesus don't spend enough time together these days. Guess who's fault that is.. I use the excuse that I'm super busy; but when I do sit down, I consciously avoid it. It feels like He's sitting right here in the room and I'm simply ignoring His presence. It's that always-in-the-back-of-your-mind feeling. I've got to work on that.

I have a long list of to-do's tomorrow before the pick-up.

I'm, really, ready for June 7th. I've almost accepted that things are not going back to Fall '09 and I'm ready to get to know the life that lies ahead. Unfortunately, that life does not begin until eminent changes come to pass. I'm guessing that June 7th will mark the completion (or near-completion) of these changes. You can't start getting used to something until it's here. I guess I'm ready for it to get here.

I really hate just accepting things. I need some emotion to go into it. Maybe I'll get to the bottom of that tonight. Meaning, I might be able to find the emotion necessary to make this transition smoother. Maybe. Maybe not.

Lord, My dear Father who craves my attention, decrease me and increase You in my heart. I want to know You more. I want to learn Your gentleness and justice; Your strength and compassion; Your love. I want those things to overflow out of me and into the lives of the two beautiful girls You have placed in my care. Help me to see them as your children. Father, why do You not provide these girls with the wisdom that You instilled in me? It's so hard for me to relate to them. I cannot understand how they do not see what I saw. Help me, Father.

"Oh the glory that the Lord has made and the complications you can do without when I kiss you on the mouth."

My birthday was fabulous. Nearly perfect, actually! :)

Back To Forgetting

Sarah.

Is today really her birthday?

Yes it is. I remember now.

[I click on her page.]

Before today the last wall post was April 17th.

That's a long time.

I wonder if it'll take 3 years before someone goes a month without writing on Michael's wall.

Michael.

[I go to his page.]

Look at all the people who remember him.

They remember him enough to write on his wall.

And his family, Oh.

I really should pray for them more often.

It still doesn't feel real.

I wonder what he would say about all the anxiety I have.

Seems like he's still alive.

I still can't believe he's dead.

Looks like people are going back to Japan.

He really enjoyed his time there

I remember talking to him about my Scotland trip.

He begged me to go to Japan instead.

I kinda wish I'd gone.

Oh well.

Oh. I've read these already.

The ones about graduation.

I still can't believe his family went.

I wonder how that must have felt.

I cannot imagine.

[Then the oven goes off and I turn on the TV before putting my food in. Now my mind is back to the unimportant things in life. Now I'm back to forgetting.]

Sleep.

It's funny how I thought I'd start sleeping after graduation. Maybe I'll start sleeping in June? But probably I'll start sleeping in 2012. That's my best guess.

Denial.

If you know anything about me, you know I'm a professional denier. It's something I'm working on. I'm pretty terrible at lying, but if I wanted to I could convince myself the sky was orange. (Although, orange is an ugly color... so I would never want to do that.)

For a while now I've been actively (and rather successfully) convincing myself that John isn't moving away, and neither is Kelley. And when Billy comes home he's going to move back into University Garden Apartments and send me my bi-weekly "my back hurts" texts. And we'll all be suffering through classes forever.

Today, I began preparing myself for the truth. John is moving. In just a few short weeks he'll be in Indiana, I'll be in 5 Points, Kelley will be temporarily at home with her family, and Billy will be back for a week or so then off to travel the world again. And when he comes home, it won't be to University Garden Apartments. It'll be to Midtown.

No more watching 3 movies a week with John. Or regular stops on the couch to watch SVU with Kelley. No more back massages in sketchy apartment complexes. All four of us are getting real life, grown up jobs. Sadly, my relationship with these three people--who have become necessary components in my life--will be reduced to mostly Skype conversations. Billy, of course, I'll see more than John and Kelley, but only because he'll be located much closer than they will be. Ideally, I'll make trips to see both Kelley and John in there respective homes, but special trips aren't the same as regular hang-outs.

I know this means I'm going to have the opportunity to meet even more of the beautiful people God created and I'm going to grow some awesome new friendships.

I will certainly still have friends here in Athens and I'm excited about spending time with those people and expanding my relationship with them, but I will miss these three quite a bit.

I'm working on finding the good--I know there's plenty of it. But I'm really going to miss you guys.

"I'm Scared."

For the last year or so, when things get hard, I find myself talking to God. Most often I find myself saying, "Father, I'm scared." Most of the feelings I have I associate with one word, this word is associated with many different kinds of fear. Many different kinds of scared.

So I realized just now: I live in fear.

Guess now I have something to talk to SB about. Woo hoo. (sarcasm)

If you're reading this, please pray for me. thanks.

J.B.O.: I don't know if you'll ever see this, but I'm sorry I was so afraid. I told Him many times I was afraid of you, maybe things would have been different if I hadn't been. Third time's a charm? We'll see next year, won't we.

The Difference Between Guys and Girls: #1

So there's something going on and a conversation needs to be had, but there's work/school to do.

Guys need to get the work done first. They're more likely to be able to think clearly about the situation at hand if they don't have other work distracting them from making a hasty decision.

Girls can't focus on the school/work stuff until the conversation is had. I mean, we can, but we'd be much more productive if a decision was already made.

Who wins? Guys, of course. Every girl will say that they'd rather suffer through the distractions during their school/work than have the guy make a decision that was not well-thought-out so he can get back to his work.

Once again, this is where I am. I'm having to force my mind to focus on school knowing that when he's done we'll get to talk. But it's difficult when every five seconds my mind goes back to him and us. But, in just a few hours it'll be over. I'll be jamming out, cleaning, going to karate, etc. I'll be doing everything I can to keep my mind off of it until Friday. I think maybe we'll just chill Thursday night. No need to get all serious after his last final, just go get some ice cream and have fun. Then, Friday, we'll chat. After he moves out, of course. :(

Oh well, back to school work. Only 6 hours until my last final. Gotta get to learning this junk.

Junk. Ha. Got that word from him... :(