Wait! What?!

It's December! Whoa! I'm just not ready for all this.. GAH! Well... December here I come.

The Lord

Wow.  He is SO good isn't He? This weekend was absolutely amazing!  The Lord made Himself so real to me this weekend and made all of my problem go away and brought everything together so perfectly that I knew it was unmistakably Him orchestrating it all. :) It was truly an amazing experience.  He's really all I need - what an amazing truth to accept!  Oh! Praise Him! :)

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:2

Learning To Breathe In

It's funny.

I was taking this time away from facebook and such in order to slow life down and spend more time in prayer and seeking my Father. To relax, truly was my purpose. If you were to ask anyone what the first step to relaxation they would probably tell you to take a deep breath. Why a deep breath and not just a breath? Well, that's scientific stuff that proves that the slower and more focused your breath the slower your heartbeat and lower your blood-pressure. (There is also a link between a increase in laughter and a decrease in blood pressure - but that's just a side note). They have even made yoga and pilates which are exercise programs that focus on your breathing while exercising. Breathing is important. Duh.

Sunday morning I was sitting in the common area at church dealing with the awkward social conversations that result when you have children trying to have adult-like conversations with semi-adults and these same semi-adults trying to have more adult-like conversations with each other. It's certainly interesting. Then I hear a secular (but not inappropriate) hip hop song coming out of the speakers and everyone starts dancing goofily. Then after a few song changes and Christian rap band goes on and I asked who it was (because I know every song on the Lecrae CD's I have but this song wasn't familiar). The girl says 116... Lecrae. I got really excited because I LOVE LOVE LOVE Christian Rap music. It's like country music for Christians (it makes sense... just ask). And the girl hands me a CD and says "here. I made an extra, you can have it". I got super excited and played it all the way home.. There are really only two songs I listen to on it: Fanatic and Breathe In, Breath Out. They are both really great songs, but sitting here thinking about and listening to the words in Breathe In, Breathe Out... it really hit me. Here, let me show you the words of the chorus and then I will show you what I got out of it and what the Lord has been trying to show me the past week or so.

Breathe In

Take It in slow, let It work up in your soul

Take your time and let It grow before you blow

Breath Out

Let 'em know what you about from the words in your mouth

To the way you live It out no doubt.

It goes through the verses to talk about how he used to be so focused on breathing out - on showing everyone about Christ that he wasn't taking the time to be in the Word and learn from the God he was trying to preach about. And it made telling things to others so hard because he wasn't seeking Him.

I think this is what the Lord has been trying to tell me. I go, go, go all day and week and month and I'm either at home, school, or church. I'm ALWAYS at church. And by the time I get home I want to read something else, something that's not the Word. So I read other books, Christian books, but not the Bible. And I'm too tired or unfocused or whatever other excuse I can come up with to go sit on the porch and just be with God. I'm so busy going and giving - so busy breathing out and with no desire to breathe in that I'm not really doing any work anyway. And while I know God doesn't want me to stop going and giving, I hear Him calling me to spend time with Him one-on-one so He can equip me to do what I'm already doing, but with His help.

It's so weird. Usually I"ll go from a period of going and doing and thinking and praying for others that I forget to take care of and pray for myself, to the other extreme of going and doing and thinking and praying for myself and abandoning others. And now I've found an unhappy medium of going and doing for others but only thinking and praying about myself... geez. It's ok. One day I'll get it right, with my Father's help.

I'm out guys.

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see."

Hebrews 11:1

What If, I Have A Reason?

(not proof-read, sry)

Today in church we talked about so much.  But, ironically (or maybe it was divine intervention, probably), it all came back to where your heart is.  Even the chapters in the book I read were about where your heart is.  I think God's trying to tell me something.  

To start, in Sunday School we watched another Nooma video.  This one was called "Sunday" and it's about how God doesn't want us to go through the motions of going to church and marking all the churchy things to do off our list, but He wants us to go because we want to go.  And He doesn't just want to hear from us at church but everyday of our lives He wants to have that relationship with us. 

Then I skipped "big church" and came home and ended up not being as productive as I would have liked.  About mid-afternoon I decided to read some more of one of my two books, "When God Writes Your Love Story".  And these chapters talked about seeking love outside of a relationship with a guy.  Just loving everyone and that guy that you don't know yet.  But first it talks about how in order to do this God must have our heart.  How can we love others if we don't know what love is?  And how can we know what love is if we don't know the Creator and Author of love, not to mention Love Itself?  We can't.  So seeking the Lord's heart for the sake of seeking it and not for any other reason.

Then at Crossties we talked about John 14:12-14, when Jesus tells us that nothing is too big for Him and if we ask for something in His name we will receive it.  But the key part there is asking in His name.  And, again, how can we ask for something in His name is we're not seeking Him and His will for our lives?  Well, we can, but we're not going to get it.  

Through all of this I feel that the Lord is trying to impress to me that my heart is not where is should be.  As many times as I have given it to Him there is obviously something that I still hold on to.  I guess maybe it's doubt in myself, but I'll get to that. 

I had so much free time today and it never occurred to me to go sit with God and see what we has to say to me.  The past two times I have done that He has told me amazing things He wants to do with my life, and He's doing them!  It's really a sight to see, a wonderful one! : )  And even as I finished that movie I have some time before I need to go to sleep but I don't want to go sit with the Lord. 

Now when I say "don't want to" I don't mean it like it sounds.  I thought about it, and then I rationalized sitting on the back porch in the cold, being with God by telling myself "Well in that book it talked about how being with God prepared her for meeting "him".  So that's a good reason." But then I remembered this morning how we talked about if a wife brings home flowers for his wife, and she finds out he brought them for any other reason besides he loves her and wants to do something special for her the flowers just don't mean as much.  So does God still want me to sit out there with Him even if half of the reason is because I want to be closer to finding the man I will marry.  And while I'm talking about it, why is it so freaking important to me?  Why can't I just chill out and be content with the place that God has me right now?  That's all I want.  To be content with where I am and to be constantly seeking God.  Is this desire that I simply cannot control (at times) something that the Lord has given me? Or is it something that the enemy is taking hold of?  I'm at a loss right now.  I just want to have that.  I want that guy to have important conversations with.  Someone to talk to about the God stuff and the football stuff and everywhere in between.  I want that guy who wants to travel the world but also wants to settle down and have children one day.  Someone who wants to work with youth or SOMETHING and live in a modest house, comfortably instead of just getting by in a big, fancy house.  Someone who is willing to accept me the way I am as the woman God has made me into, and not the child I was only two years ago.  And I know that I have all of that in my Savior.  My Father who created me, He is all of those things, but He created me with these desires.  These desires for that guy.  

Some girls want a guy who can hold her when it's cold, but I'm willing to sacrifice that in order to have someone to talk to, listen to.  Some guys need a girl to settle them down, I want a guy who will settle me down, but is willing to humor me when I get excited.  Ha.  And on that point.  I can't tell if it's God telling me that I need to change or the enemy.  

I guess that's when you know that you're not close enough to the Lord, when you can no longer hear His voice, or discern it. 

Bah.  I know I'm not ready for that guy and, honestly, I don't know if I ever will be, but is anyone?  And even if "he" is not ready himself, I hope he's ready for me.  And I know the Lord's timing is perfect, but sometimes I can't accept it.  I don't do anything about it, except type until I'm ok again, but as much as I want to I'm not going to mess with His timing.  I know better.  

I just need to get my ring so I can remind myself more often than occasionally.  

Oh, and I need a friend.  Mine keep disappearing or something.  Ugh. Stupid Brazil.  I really miss that kid. 

Heather

Romans 8:28 - I know you know it, but it's still good. 

Practicing Occlumency And Avoiding Legilimency

Whew!  In a little less than 4 hours, when the clock strikes 12, that will be the conclusion of yet another "one heck of a weekend" in the life of Heather Byrd.  Everyone has their moments, this I have learned well, but I am coming to realize that my "moments" are being had more often than ever before.  What is different now, though, is that I am beginning to learn from these moments.  Now, don't think I've found some new, exciting answer to life, because I haven't, and I'm not learning much, but I'm just happy to be learning.  Some of this is nothing new and some is still a mystery, but one thing I have learned is that there was a good reason for my reading Harry Potter, beyond the simple truth that reading makes you smarter.

In the fifth book of the series, Harry's enemy Lord Voldemort begins sending thoughts and visions into Harry's head.  Voldemort uses these things to draw out anger in Harry causing him to react and get closer to Voldemort, which is what Voldemort desires as he is out to kill Harry.  The practice of sending thoughts and such into someone's head J.K. Rowling names Legilimency.  What I have realized lately (by lately I mean in the last two years or so) is how easy of a target I am for my enemy, Satan.  And what makes me an easy target is that when he puts thoughts/ideas into my head, I believe them, even when they aren't true (and they never are).  I will believe just about anything: I'm fat, I'm depressed, I'm suicidal (with reason to be so), I'm stupid, I'm lazy, I'm too far away from God, none of my friends like me, I have no friends, God just can't replace Keaton, no Christian guy will ever date me, I'm going to die, someone I love is going to die, my parents aren't really saved, I don't know how to manage money, or time, etc.  The list goes on, and those are just the things that have come into my mind in the last week.  In just one week getting all of those things thrown at you in such convincing manners, can really get you down, and it did.  There is good news and there is bad news.  The good news is there is a way to fight this, the bad news is that I haven't been.

In the book, after a viscous attack from Voldemort, Harry's professors make him being private lessons of Occlumency.  Occlumency is the practice of closing off your mind from penetration, influence, and intrusion.  This gives me hope, however, just as in the book when Harry has a hard time learning this, I know that it is not going to be easy to go through with the practice.  It's difficult to not believe the lies when there is nothing immediately in front of you to support the truth.  But, I know that they are all lies and the only way to fight them is to keep praying and seeking the Lord, even when all I want to do it sleep.  So my goal for the next... extended period of time... is to practice occlumency and fight against legilimency. 

"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit"

Romans 8:1   KJV

Man

I really miss Keaton.

Becoming Deaf

In the New American Standard version of the Bible, fellowship is mentioned 12 times throughout the old and new testament.  It speaks to fellowship with others and also with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit separately.  

We were created in the image of God [Genesis 1:27 - one of my favorite verses].  I believe that means not physically, but our soul, spirit, character, personality all are created by Him and from His own self.  And just as our Creator desires to have fellowship with us, He also desires that we have fellowship with each other.  He confirms this in Matthew 18:20 when He tells us that if two or more people gather in His name, He will be there with them.  That's fellowship. 

In my studies of ASL and the Deaf over the last year or so, I have become increasingly fond of their culture.  Yes, Deaf people (I must emphasize the capitalization of Deaf, it being different from deaf - meaning people who cannot hear.) have their own culture and their own set of social rules.  Because Deaf people use American Sign Language as their primary language, they get together often just to sit and chat in surprisingly large groups.  Because technology is improving it is becoming easier for them to talk via the internet with webcams and such, but what they have maintained is their willingness to get together in person and talk about nothing in particular.

I am becoming saddened at how AIM, Facebook, Myspace, texting, email, etc. has rid our society of the simple and joyous life of sending letters, talking on the phone, or even *gasp* seeing one another.  These days most of our conversations are had or begun via text.  While there are appropriate and even necessary times for text, is does not compare to the inflection that you hear in someone's voice via the phone or the gestures that you see when you talk to someone face to face.  

While I am aware that the Deaf culture calls for face-to-face interaction more strongly than our hearing culture, I believe that we should work harder to sit and talk to each other and re-learn the starkly beautiful art that is simple conversation.

Learning To Trust

Whew!  Last night was one heck of a night!  I learned a lot.  Like that most of the Georgia fans are only fans when the team is playing well.  Which isn't good because it's no fun to play when you don't have anyone believing in you.  I really don't think that I've ever prayed so hard for a game, which isn't really the greatest thing to pray for, but those boys needed something to lift them up and God was just the thing, so I prayed.  We didn't win but we played hard the second half and closed the game to an 11 point loss, not bad, I say.  GO DAWGS!

I'm kinda surprised at how I haven't really gotten lonely without facebook (even tho it's only been a few days).  I think I'm missing stalking people the most.  Like when you meet people and become their "friend" (per facebook standards) the next step, naturally, is to stalk them.  But this could be good because it will promote more legit conversation and I'm truly a sucker for good conversation.  So I guess this is kind of an experiment, and we'll just see how it goes.

I'm getting a lot better at slowing down, and at resting in the Lord.  I like it.  Although, I kinda feel like everyone else is on fast forward, and I can't decide if that's making me feel left out or.. well, something else that I can't seem to put into words - and I'm assuming it's that one, because I'm not great with words.  

I'm working on being neater and cleaner, more organized, focused, and chill.  I'm starting to see how this really can affect you spiritually.  I mean that literally, when you are calm, your spirit is calm.  Not still, because only the Lord, I think, can still your spirit - you should ask Him for that, it's quite, well, indescribable - but calm.  There is a lot to be said for being relaxed, having a clear mind, and I think that is completely affected by how you live, how neat and organized you are.  If your room and life in general is neat and organized it will organize your mind and you can think more clearly and you are less distracted by the mess that would otherwise clutter your mind and space around you.  Maybe that's just for me, it's very possible that there aren't many others who are this way. 

I am learning that there is much more to this world than meets the eye.  I am being taught this essentially by the Lord through many circumstances that I dare not go into because, honestly, text just can't do it justice and, again, I'm not so great with words.  

I believe that God is trying to teach me about trust.  Trusting Him.  It makes me chuckle a bit because a year ago I was in a completely different place, and trust was something I didn't even have toward myself.  Really, the only person who had my trust was God, and even He didn't have much of it.  When ever I hear the song Faithful To Me by Jennifer Knapp, it makes me think of that time in my life.  I remember being at a friend's place hearing that song and just breaking into sobbs because that is exactly how I felt at that time.  I had been completely broken by the Lord and by my circumstances.  Everything I thought was right was being torn apart and I didn't understand why.  Luckily the Lord is faithful through everything, even when we are not, and He healed me and made me so much stronger than I ever was before.  But back to trust.  I think the Lord is trying to teach me to trust Him, more than I do.  I'm not sure what, specifically He wants me to give to Him (more specific than 'everything'), but I trust that He will reveal that to me when it is time.  Oh that perfect timing of His.  

Well, I have much more to talk about, but I probably should keep some of it for just me and Him.  Also, I have quite a bit more work to do today so I am going to jump on that.  -Quickly- I heard from Keaton today.  They finally got all their luggage yesterday, Praise the Lord, and a woman gave her life to our Lord yesterday as well, more praise! Please keep him, and everyone he is down there with, in your prayers!  And let me know of any prayer requests you have! God Bless!

In Him.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. - Proverbs 3:5

Now, read that again, like you've never read it before.  : )

A Better Mood

So today was the day.  I went to bed a little before midnight last night on my parent couch, well, I would call it "bed", it was more of a nap.  I got up at 2am.  Changed, brushed my teeth, and drove to the Keaton house.  After another stop we drove to the airport.  Brad came along, too.  

It was kind of unreal.  But not quite as difficult as I expected it to be.  I didn't even cry, which I was very shocked about.  It was a good thing, I think Keaton needed the strong support, it seems I'm good at being that for people.  For the first time in a while I didn't sacrifice my own emotional well being in order be that support, and this, I believe, is a good start to what will be a very good (nearly) three months.  

On the way back from the airport, Mrs. Keaton, Brad, and I talked while little Rachel slept curled up in the back seat.  It was a good talk about how important this time is going to be for everyone, how we're all going to learn and grow while Keaton is gone.  It's really exciting.  Maybe I didn't cry because he's really not leaving, his moving to another area of the world but he's still going to be with us.  Which, I must say, is significantly easier than a situation where someone stays in the same place physically but leaves you emotionally and, for lack of a better adverb, communicationally.  Just in general, tho.

I will admit that I'm getting a little anxious about hearing from him and the others that flew down with him.  I found it slightly humorous that Mrs. Keaton asked me to inform her if I hear from him, almost as though she thought he would contact me before her, which I doubt strongly. 

On a lighter note, I'm quite enjoying my time at home.  I'm sitting on my couch watching real TV, my favorite kind - crime shows.  Mom recorded and saved many of them for me so I'm just sitting here watching TV and - the best part - fast forwarding through all the commercials.  Later I might go into Loganville and eat dinner with Nicole and after that I'll go visit with my children.  I've never been so happy and chill to be in Loganville.  Oh! And this morning I sat in the Chick-fil-A that I worked in and talked to Brad for a good hour - I think that's going to work out nicely.  Ha! Won't Keaton get a kick outta that - we've known each other for 10 years and have never actually had a legitimate friendship.  And next weekend I'll be thrilled to be in Loganville.  Me, Kimmy, chick flicks, scrapbooking, late night trips to taco bell (partly because that's the only place in Loganville open that late, and partly because it's tradition) - honestly, that's the life!.... Well, at least for a weekend.  : )

Oh! And I'm almost healed.  AND I got good rest last night.  Yay for answers to prayer!

I leave you with a most common verse, but I got a new look at it - or maybe just another look - at Wesley last night. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.    Romans 8:28

And as Bob worded it last night: God isn't going to allow anything to happen that He can't use for good, and also that won't glorify Him.  I truly believe that this is the best promise that the Lord has made to us.  It includes all things, everything, nothing is skipped.  That's awesome! 

Chivalry

I had initially intended to start this blog with reasoning why it's finding-rest etc, etc, but at this moment I really need to vent.

Probably a year or so ago I joined a facebook group that was something along the lines of the SEC being the best conference in the nation (which it is). The main picture for that group is a model in the tiniest bathing suit her photographer could find for her.. and it was an Alabama suit. Basically it disgusted me and I thought, not only that should should put some clothes on, but also that maybe we could change the main picture..? Apparently I made a comment about this and have since then left said group for one with a little more class, or at least a picture more respectful of women.

Well, I woke up this morning and checked facebook and I had two new messages. One was from a Michael W. entitled S.E.C. group. I immediately assumed that it was my friend Michael Warren and was confused as to why he was writing me, but carried on. Once I realized how rude this person was being I looked a little more closely at the last name and picture and saw that this was, in fact, not my friend but some stranger chewing me out. I'm not going to put the ridiculously long message he sent up here, but it was amazingly rude! And through all the catty messages I have gotten over the years (and I've gotten my fair share) I have never received anything so rude and just... RUDE from anyone in my life. 

He basically attacked everything about me (information which he required from the few sentences I wrote in the group and my profile picture) and then backed it up with.. "my girlfriend is standing right here and agrees with me". Honestly, I hope that soon that girl realizes that she can do much better, because no matter who she is, I'm sure that she can. I hate to be so judgmental, but if you read this then you would too, I'm sure. 

I guess I'm just angry because, in the little fantasy world I lock myself into, guys like that stay on the outside. Sometimes guys say to me "chivalry isn't dead".. but it's times like this when I doubt it. 

On another note, God is still good. And hopefully this guy will be convicted for his words. And hopefully he'll, one day soon, start respecting the girls he's around. 

... And back to being positive, at least I'm (mostly) surrounded by respectful guys who care about what they say/do in a woman's presence, and even out. I really don't think you guys receive enough appreciation for that! 

That's what I've got for today. Maybe next time it'll be more peaceful.