What If, I Have A Reason?

(not proof-read, sry)

Today in church we talked about so much.  But, ironically (or maybe it was divine intervention, probably), it all came back to where your heart is.  Even the chapters in the book I read were about where your heart is.  I think God's trying to tell me something.  

To start, in Sunday School we watched another Nooma video.  This one was called "Sunday" and it's about how God doesn't want us to go through the motions of going to church and marking all the churchy things to do off our list, but He wants us to go because we want to go.  And He doesn't just want to hear from us at church but everyday of our lives He wants to have that relationship with us. 

Then I skipped "big church" and came home and ended up not being as productive as I would have liked.  About mid-afternoon I decided to read some more of one of my two books, "When God Writes Your Love Story".  And these chapters talked about seeking love outside of a relationship with a guy.  Just loving everyone and that guy that you don't know yet.  But first it talks about how in order to do this God must have our heart.  How can we love others if we don't know what love is?  And how can we know what love is if we don't know the Creator and Author of love, not to mention Love Itself?  We can't.  So seeking the Lord's heart for the sake of seeking it and not for any other reason.

Then at Crossties we talked about John 14:12-14, when Jesus tells us that nothing is too big for Him and if we ask for something in His name we will receive it.  But the key part there is asking in His name.  And, again, how can we ask for something in His name is we're not seeking Him and His will for our lives?  Well, we can, but we're not going to get it.  

Through all of this I feel that the Lord is trying to impress to me that my heart is not where is should be.  As many times as I have given it to Him there is obviously something that I still hold on to.  I guess maybe it's doubt in myself, but I'll get to that. 

I had so much free time today and it never occurred to me to go sit with God and see what we has to say to me.  The past two times I have done that He has told me amazing things He wants to do with my life, and He's doing them!  It's really a sight to see, a wonderful one! : )  And even as I finished that movie I have some time before I need to go to sleep but I don't want to go sit with the Lord. 

Now when I say "don't want to" I don't mean it like it sounds.  I thought about it, and then I rationalized sitting on the back porch in the cold, being with God by telling myself "Well in that book it talked about how being with God prepared her for meeting "him".  So that's a good reason." But then I remembered this morning how we talked about if a wife brings home flowers for his wife, and she finds out he brought them for any other reason besides he loves her and wants to do something special for her the flowers just don't mean as much.  So does God still want me to sit out there with Him even if half of the reason is because I want to be closer to finding the man I will marry.  And while I'm talking about it, why is it so freaking important to me?  Why can't I just chill out and be content with the place that God has me right now?  That's all I want.  To be content with where I am and to be constantly seeking God.  Is this desire that I simply cannot control (at times) something that the Lord has given me? Or is it something that the enemy is taking hold of?  I'm at a loss right now.  I just want to have that.  I want that guy to have important conversations with.  Someone to talk to about the God stuff and the football stuff and everywhere in between.  I want that guy who wants to travel the world but also wants to settle down and have children one day.  Someone who wants to work with youth or SOMETHING and live in a modest house, comfortably instead of just getting by in a big, fancy house.  Someone who is willing to accept me the way I am as the woman God has made me into, and not the child I was only two years ago.  And I know that I have all of that in my Savior.  My Father who created me, He is all of those things, but He created me with these desires.  These desires for that guy.  

Some girls want a guy who can hold her when it's cold, but I'm willing to sacrifice that in order to have someone to talk to, listen to.  Some guys need a girl to settle them down, I want a guy who will settle me down, but is willing to humor me when I get excited.  Ha.  And on that point.  I can't tell if it's God telling me that I need to change or the enemy.  

I guess that's when you know that you're not close enough to the Lord, when you can no longer hear His voice, or discern it. 

Bah.  I know I'm not ready for that guy and, honestly, I don't know if I ever will be, but is anyone?  And even if "he" is not ready himself, I hope he's ready for me.  And I know the Lord's timing is perfect, but sometimes I can't accept it.  I don't do anything about it, except type until I'm ok again, but as much as I want to I'm not going to mess with His timing.  I know better.  

I just need to get my ring so I can remind myself more often than occasionally.  

Oh, and I need a friend.  Mine keep disappearing or something.  Ugh. Stupid Brazil.  I really miss that kid. 

Heather

Romans 8:28 - I know you know it, but it's still good.