What Do You Expect?

When I was sixteen-years-old, I had my life planned out. I was going to go to college, find a nice boy, date him for a couple of years, get engaged, then get married right after graduation. I actually know a few people who did/are doing this. Cute. I expected that to be me, too. By the end of my sophomore year in college, I hadn't had a serious boyfriend in over a year. I was certainly looking, but "nothing panned out," as they say. At this point, I began to wonder if my expectations were reaching a bit, so I began to change them. "I'll meet someone soon, and we'll get married a bit later, or not date as long, but it'll be almost like I thought." Then, the end of junior year: "Well I'm certainly not going to meet and marry someone in a year." My expectations changed, but I thought for sure I'd meet someone before I graduated. Now, I hope I don't.

When I was eighteen-years-old, I was beginning college as an undeclared math major. I had the next three, yes three, years of my life planned. I would hurry through college, taking as many hours as I could and finish my BS in Math before my twenty first birthday. We even bought the one year membership of the SAA instead of the 4 year because I expected to graduate in three years, and I was dead-set on that. A year and a half later I'm pursuing a AB in Film on the opposite side of campus, hoping Mr. Right spends his time on north, rather than south, campus. Now, four years later, I'm about to graduate; and I'm thankful I left math when I did.

When I was around twelve-years-old when I was first encouraged to do martial arts by my parents. Sure, I was a tom-boy, but I wasn't a BOY. That was a boy thing, and I was NOT interested. Freshman year in college my friend Mason and I pursued the idea for about a week--they were offering classes in Ramsey--but the thought of wearing that silly white uniform? I expected that I would look ridiculous, and feel even more ridiculous than I looked. When Billy first started talking to me about self-defense classes, I chuckled at his efforts. It was at the same place he did his karate and jiu jitsu (which, back then, I spelled differently every time). But it was cute, in a "your hands are shaking" kind of way, that he asked. And each time he asked the thought seemed more and more absurd. But it was August 2008 and there I was in the American Black Belt Academy at some open house he somehow conned me into going to. It was worth it, I got to see a girl flip him over her shoulder and onto the ground. I counted it as a win, I suppose. What I never expected that a year after that, I would be training in that same room--and loving it! Craving it, even. Now, I'm only a few months away from a green belt and wear a red uniform because I'm a member of the Black Belt Club.

In November when Billy first mentioned that he might be going to Hong Kong this semester, I was thrilled for him! What an exciting experience. I was, actually, quite jealous. Honestly, after two solid years of friendship, I never expected that I would miss him even a little bit. In January, when he got there, I missed him a lot. I suppose you really don't realize how close you've gotten with someone until they're not longer bugging you all the time. When we first started joking about me going over there for spring break, I never expected--not for a second--that it would happen. But, of course, I did. And I'm so glad I went. There is no doubt that the experience was worth so much more than the money I spent. It was truly life-changing. Now, I'd give anything to be back there. Well, I'd at least give a couple thousand dollars.

I never expected to have "bad cartilage" and arthritis in my joints at twenty-years-old, to be single and loving it at twenty-one, to go to three different countries in one year, to want to move to another country (asap), that I would actually consider not ever being a mother, that I would be good at animation, that I would *gasp* enjoy shopping.

I have expected so many things in my life and, not once, have my plans played out exactly as I expected them to.

The point? Stop expecting. Hope. Dream. Desire. But don't expect.

Memories

My favorite thing about traveling is the memories. There are so many things about my trip to Hong Kong that I could never tell you. Why? Because no language comes with words that are capable of describing the memories I have. The wind, the scents, the sounds, the life. A camera can capture what was there, but not what I saw. Not what I experienced. There is no snapshot of my feelings, my thoughts, my experiences. That's what's beautiful about life. It can only be experienced. So, why am I sitting on this couch contemplating a nap when I could be outside in the sun, walking around, listening to a good book, and experiencing this beautiful life I was given? Not for long, I'm about to get up and do just that: live life.

That being said, I would give $1000 to be back at the top of Lamma Island. To spend another 10 days in Hong Kong. To do it all over again. Gah! I really wish I could go back... The memories are great, but they're not enough.

If I Can't Get Quality Time, Could You At Least Send Some Words Of Affirmation?

It's nearly April. Graduation is becoming more of a reality than a landmark and more of a stressor than a relief. Occasionally the Vitamin C song "Graduation" comes on my iPod and it gets me reflecting on the last eight years of my life. Cliche: it feels like just yesterday.

But I'm not here to talk about the past. Well, actually I am. One day, today will be the past. Tomorrow, today will be the past, so, in essence, I suppose we're always talking about the past. Anyway.

Right now sucks. I have a lot going on and need nothing more than a few comforting words and some quality time. So, since we're all absurdly busy being wrapped up in our own commitments (myself included), is there any chance I could get a "hello" or a short phone call once in a while? I really need it these days.

For more information on the words "Quality Time" and "Words of Affirmation" go to www.fivelovelanguages.com

I prefer this quiz for finding out what your love languages are: http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Thanks.

On Behalf Of Me and All My Friends

Fuck Monday.

I feel like I should apologize for my language, but I don't wanna. Sorry.

Be Safe or Take A Chance?

I have to make a decision by tomorrow that may or may not affect the rest of my life. Actually, by default it will affect the rest of my life, but it's importance has the potential to be life changing. I will change my day-to-day life for a minimum 3 months, but almost certainly longer by default.

The decision? To be safe or take a chance. ugh.

For one, my personality is not one to be asked a question like this. Ultimately, it's much more complicated than this; but if you step back you're asking me, really, if I should be adventurous or play-it-safe, as they say. I love adventure. I CRAVE adventure. Sure, I'm "Mommy Heather"--although I'm trying to break out of that name--and I always think about the consequences of my actions, but I still go for adventure most of the time, as long as it's not going to get my killed.

Now, in neither one of my options does death loom, so typical I would resort next to what I WANT to do. I want to travel. Go. Get the hell outta this stupid state--this stupid country--and go. Go until I can't go anymore. For me, that's to the tip of South America and back OR to the top of Scotland, depending on how things work out. But it isn't that simple. Why? First, I'm not going to let myself travel unless I have some kind of job lined up.

Herein lies the problem. I HAVE a job. It's not much, but it's guaranteed
$400 a month until August, experience in the field I want to pursue, and the opportunity to boost my resume and reel. The catch? I have to stay in Athens and gradate in August instead of May.

So now is decision time.

Option One: Take A Chance
-What does that look like?
Graduating in May. Not having a job over the summer. Moving out of my apartment in Athens and into my brothers. (Probably) Travelling either to Central/South America or Scotland/England/France for a month or longer. Having a job to come back to or at least being able to substitute teach everyday somewhere. Living with my bro when I get back. MAYBE doing Animation Mentor if I can't get anything with my reel. (Which is another $18,000 of loans, nearly doubling what I already have.)

Option Two: Play-it-safe
-What does that look like?
Keeping my job through July and probably getting another one. Taking the Intro to Action class to up my experience/confidence so I can get experience. Living in Athens with someone over the summer. Graduating in August. Hopefully having a job or at least being able to substitute teach everyday somewhere. Moving in with Clint in August unless I find a job somewhere else. MAYBE doing Animiation Mentor, but actually having some money to fall back on instead of none like I would if I go travelling.


So basically it comes down to travelling or not travelling. Having a financial safety net or not. I hate when it comes down to money. It makes me so angry. Not because I wish I had more, but because it just sucks that something so ridiculous holds people back from doing things. I really hate money. Like a lot.

I'll probably play it safe. I just can't bring myself to spend all that money without knowing if I'll have any income later. I wish I could be a live-in nanny somewhere. I wish I could do that for my aunt and uncle. They have the best kids, that would be awesome. Or even just down in Savannah so I could be near my cousins. *sigh* Maybe. Until then, it looks like I'm going to graduate in August. I should probably be more excited about it, but I'm not. I really wanna see more of the world.

I will see more of the world. Just not this year, apparently. Damn. I hate being safe.

*note: I have to leave now, so this has not been proof-read. Not that anyone will actually read it.*

Animation

I really love it. I'm not quite sure why I always dread coming into the lab. Maybe it's the lack of windows and the feel of intense isolation. But I really love sitting here trying to get something to move exactly like I want it to. It's a combination of everything I love: creativity, control, graphs, math, hard work, [occasionally] coding, and a very rewarding ending.

Coding. Coding is the reason I left the Computer Science department. You can't hate coding and be a CS major. Not successfully, or with any level of enjoyment. I didn't hate coding, per se. I hated not having someone who could successfully teach me ANYTHING about coding. Billy helped teach me some stuff; I went to two different 1302 classes trying to learn it; but in the end, my professor really just couldn't help me to way I needed. I'm an intelligent person, but, unlike very few others, I cannot learn something I have not been taught. I cannot teach myself. It's not something I'm horribly upset about, but I didn't want to spend 3+ years crying over coding. So I left. However, what little coding I did in 1301 I really enjoyed.

We've done some coding in animation and I've quite enjoyed it. Not as much as the actual animating, but it's a good skill to have.

Back to animation. It really does pull together everything I truly enjoy. It's not easy by any means, but it's so much fun that I often forget how much I'm working. Hours will pass without me realizing. It's fantastic. I would be SO blessed to be able to do this for the rest of my life. I really hope I can. Although, I'm thinking I'm going to have to do Animation Mentor. *sigh* That's a topic for another day. What really makes the animation fun is the music I get to listen to. I am truly thankful to my Lord for giving someone the intelligence to come up with pandora.com. This station really makes what little frustration Maya provides in the lab so easily forgetable.

The point of all of this was to share with you the station I've been listening to.

http://www.pandora.com/?sc=sh189586204447843035#/

I'm sure another day I will share another station with you, but that one is my favorite right now. It's far from perfect, but the songs are rather amazing most of the time. :)

Enjoy.

This Weekend

To Do list:

-read Bright Lights, Big City

-write a rough draft

-find sources for old Tout Va Bien paper

-find at least 5 more somewhat legit sources

-do walk cycles for anim

-spend at least 2 hours working on violet and colin

whew!

Please

I don't need you to understand, agree, or even approve. But will you at least be happy for me? I'm happy, really happy.