Learning To Breathe In

It's funny.

I was taking this time away from facebook and such in order to slow life down and spend more time in prayer and seeking my Father. To relax, truly was my purpose. If you were to ask anyone what the first step to relaxation they would probably tell you to take a deep breath. Why a deep breath and not just a breath? Well, that's scientific stuff that proves that the slower and more focused your breath the slower your heartbeat and lower your blood-pressure. (There is also a link between a increase in laughter and a decrease in blood pressure - but that's just a side note). They have even made yoga and pilates which are exercise programs that focus on your breathing while exercising. Breathing is important. Duh.

Sunday morning I was sitting in the common area at church dealing with the awkward social conversations that result when you have children trying to have adult-like conversations with semi-adults and these same semi-adults trying to have more adult-like conversations with each other. It's certainly interesting. Then I hear a secular (but not inappropriate) hip hop song coming out of the speakers and everyone starts dancing goofily. Then after a few song changes and Christian rap band goes on and I asked who it was (because I know every song on the Lecrae CD's I have but this song wasn't familiar). The girl says 116... Lecrae. I got really excited because I LOVE LOVE LOVE Christian Rap music. It's like country music for Christians (it makes sense... just ask). And the girl hands me a CD and says "here. I made an extra, you can have it". I got super excited and played it all the way home.. There are really only two songs I listen to on it: Fanatic and Breathe In, Breath Out. They are both really great songs, but sitting here thinking about and listening to the words in Breathe In, Breathe Out... it really hit me. Here, let me show you the words of the chorus and then I will show you what I got out of it and what the Lord has been trying to show me the past week or so.

Breathe In

Take It in slow, let It work up in your soul

Take your time and let It grow before you blow

Breath Out

Let 'em know what you about from the words in your mouth

To the way you live It out no doubt.

It goes through the verses to talk about how he used to be so focused on breathing out - on showing everyone about Christ that he wasn't taking the time to be in the Word and learn from the God he was trying to preach about. And it made telling things to others so hard because he wasn't seeking Him.

I think this is what the Lord has been trying to tell me. I go, go, go all day and week and month and I'm either at home, school, or church. I'm ALWAYS at church. And by the time I get home I want to read something else, something that's not the Word. So I read other books, Christian books, but not the Bible. And I'm too tired or unfocused or whatever other excuse I can come up with to go sit on the porch and just be with God. I'm so busy going and giving - so busy breathing out and with no desire to breathe in that I'm not really doing any work anyway. And while I know God doesn't want me to stop going and giving, I hear Him calling me to spend time with Him one-on-one so He can equip me to do what I'm already doing, but with His help.

It's so weird. Usually I"ll go from a period of going and doing and thinking and praying for others that I forget to take care of and pray for myself, to the other extreme of going and doing and thinking and praying for myself and abandoning others. And now I've found an unhappy medium of going and doing for others but only thinking and praying about myself... geez. It's ok. One day I'll get it right, with my Father's help.

I'm out guys.

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see."

Hebrews 11:1

What If, I Have A Reason?

(not proof-read, sry)

Today in church we talked about so much.  But, ironically (or maybe it was divine intervention, probably), it all came back to where your heart is.  Even the chapters in the book I read were about where your heart is.  I think God's trying to tell me something.  

To start, in Sunday School we watched another Nooma video.  This one was called "Sunday" and it's about how God doesn't want us to go through the motions of going to church and marking all the churchy things to do off our list, but He wants us to go because we want to go.  And He doesn't just want to hear from us at church but everyday of our lives He wants to have that relationship with us. 

Then I skipped "big church" and came home and ended up not being as productive as I would have liked.  About mid-afternoon I decided to read some more of one of my two books, "When God Writes Your Love Story".  And these chapters talked about seeking love outside of a relationship with a guy.  Just loving everyone and that guy that you don't know yet.  But first it talks about how in order to do this God must have our heart.  How can we love others if we don't know what love is?  And how can we know what love is if we don't know the Creator and Author of love, not to mention Love Itself?  We can't.  So seeking the Lord's heart for the sake of seeking it and not for any other reason.

Then at Crossties we talked about John 14:12-14, when Jesus tells us that nothing is too big for Him and if we ask for something in His name we will receive it.  But the key part there is asking in His name.  And, again, how can we ask for something in His name is we're not seeking Him and His will for our lives?  Well, we can, but we're not going to get it.  

Through all of this I feel that the Lord is trying to impress to me that my heart is not where is should be.  As many times as I have given it to Him there is obviously something that I still hold on to.  I guess maybe it's doubt in myself, but I'll get to that. 

I had so much free time today and it never occurred to me to go sit with God and see what we has to say to me.  The past two times I have done that He has told me amazing things He wants to do with my life, and He's doing them!  It's really a sight to see, a wonderful one! : )  And even as I finished that movie I have some time before I need to go to sleep but I don't want to go sit with the Lord. 

Now when I say "don't want to" I don't mean it like it sounds.  I thought about it, and then I rationalized sitting on the back porch in the cold, being with God by telling myself "Well in that book it talked about how being with God prepared her for meeting "him".  So that's a good reason." But then I remembered this morning how we talked about if a wife brings home flowers for his wife, and she finds out he brought them for any other reason besides he loves her and wants to do something special for her the flowers just don't mean as much.  So does God still want me to sit out there with Him even if half of the reason is because I want to be closer to finding the man I will marry.  And while I'm talking about it, why is it so freaking important to me?  Why can't I just chill out and be content with the place that God has me right now?  That's all I want.  To be content with where I am and to be constantly seeking God.  Is this desire that I simply cannot control (at times) something that the Lord has given me? Or is it something that the enemy is taking hold of?  I'm at a loss right now.  I just want to have that.  I want that guy to have important conversations with.  Someone to talk to about the God stuff and the football stuff and everywhere in between.  I want that guy who wants to travel the world but also wants to settle down and have children one day.  Someone who wants to work with youth or SOMETHING and live in a modest house, comfortably instead of just getting by in a big, fancy house.  Someone who is willing to accept me the way I am as the woman God has made me into, and not the child I was only two years ago.  And I know that I have all of that in my Savior.  My Father who created me, He is all of those things, but He created me with these desires.  These desires for that guy.  

Some girls want a guy who can hold her when it's cold, but I'm willing to sacrifice that in order to have someone to talk to, listen to.  Some guys need a girl to settle them down, I want a guy who will settle me down, but is willing to humor me when I get excited.  Ha.  And on that point.  I can't tell if it's God telling me that I need to change or the enemy.  

I guess that's when you know that you're not close enough to the Lord, when you can no longer hear His voice, or discern it. 

Bah.  I know I'm not ready for that guy and, honestly, I don't know if I ever will be, but is anyone?  And even if "he" is not ready himself, I hope he's ready for me.  And I know the Lord's timing is perfect, but sometimes I can't accept it.  I don't do anything about it, except type until I'm ok again, but as much as I want to I'm not going to mess with His timing.  I know better.  

I just need to get my ring so I can remind myself more often than occasionally.  

Oh, and I need a friend.  Mine keep disappearing or something.  Ugh. Stupid Brazil.  I really miss that kid. 

Heather

Romans 8:28 - I know you know it, but it's still good. 

Practicing Occlumency And Avoiding Legilimency

Whew!  In a little less than 4 hours, when the clock strikes 12, that will be the conclusion of yet another "one heck of a weekend" in the life of Heather Byrd.  Everyone has their moments, this I have learned well, but I am coming to realize that my "moments" are being had more often than ever before.  What is different now, though, is that I am beginning to learn from these moments.  Now, don't think I've found some new, exciting answer to life, because I haven't, and I'm not learning much, but I'm just happy to be learning.  Some of this is nothing new and some is still a mystery, but one thing I have learned is that there was a good reason for my reading Harry Potter, beyond the simple truth that reading makes you smarter.

In the fifth book of the series, Harry's enemy Lord Voldemort begins sending thoughts and visions into Harry's head.  Voldemort uses these things to draw out anger in Harry causing him to react and get closer to Voldemort, which is what Voldemort desires as he is out to kill Harry.  The practice of sending thoughts and such into someone's head J.K. Rowling names Legilimency.  What I have realized lately (by lately I mean in the last two years or so) is how easy of a target I am for my enemy, Satan.  And what makes me an easy target is that when he puts thoughts/ideas into my head, I believe them, even when they aren't true (and they never are).  I will believe just about anything: I'm fat, I'm depressed, I'm suicidal (with reason to be so), I'm stupid, I'm lazy, I'm too far away from God, none of my friends like me, I have no friends, God just can't replace Keaton, no Christian guy will ever date me, I'm going to die, someone I love is going to die, my parents aren't really saved, I don't know how to manage money, or time, etc.  The list goes on, and those are just the things that have come into my mind in the last week.  In just one week getting all of those things thrown at you in such convincing manners, can really get you down, and it did.  There is good news and there is bad news.  The good news is there is a way to fight this, the bad news is that I haven't been.

In the book, after a viscous attack from Voldemort, Harry's professors make him being private lessons of Occlumency.  Occlumency is the practice of closing off your mind from penetration, influence, and intrusion.  This gives me hope, however, just as in the book when Harry has a hard time learning this, I know that it is not going to be easy to go through with the practice.  It's difficult to not believe the lies when there is nothing immediately in front of you to support the truth.  But, I know that they are all lies and the only way to fight them is to keep praying and seeking the Lord, even when all I want to do it sleep.  So my goal for the next... extended period of time... is to practice occlumency and fight against legilimency. 

"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit"

Romans 8:1   KJV

Man

I really miss Keaton.