This Is No Time To Pray

At the bottom of this post is the sermon that inspired it. I recommend that you watch all four of the parts of that series, but, if you don't want to, this one will do.

"That which is devoted is among you, O Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove it."

I have been struggling for a long time with this spiritual discomfort and lack of peace. I have prayed and prayed and prayed (very shallowly) for peace in life and my heart. Through this time I have been significantly blessed with meaningful relationships, good fortune, and love. Life is good. But I'm not happy and haven't been for a while. I've been close to happy, but not wholly satisfied.

As Mr. Stanley puts it in an earlier sermon, when I'm alone and by myself I know that there's something missing--there's something I can't fix.

What I keep coming back to is something I'm not convinced is bad. I'm not convinced it's sinful. I'm not even convinced I've been wrong in my actions in this area. But I cannot act on this without guilt and increased spiritual discomfort.

What if I'm wrong? What if this is not something that's OK? What if I cannot stand against my enemies until I've removed this act from my life?

This is a great fear for me. Because I don't want to stop. I don't want to move on--not wholly.

What do I do? I can't stop alone. I'm not even sure I want to. But I want to be free. Why can't I be free from the guilt? GUILT IS NOT FROM GOD!!

Lord, help me to behave in a way that will bring me back to spiritual peace. Lord, give me (PLEASE) an opportunity to take action. You opened that door for me in one place. In that place, I'm living in fear for a whole other reason. Guide me into action, please. I want peace. I want to talk to you about everything. I want to know you as a TRUE father. I want to feel your hand on my back when I'm hurting. You are not an idiot; I cannot fool you. Show me the way and I will follow. Yes I will. Don't let me use the excuse of potential discomfort to keep me from action, to keep me from spiritual comfort and peace. Thank you.

http://www2.northpointministries.org/player/player.jsp?occurrenceID=4586

Heartache

A year ago, possibly to the day, I received a text from a dear friend saying "Will you please pray for my dad?" If I am to be completely honest, it is probably this text message that changed the dynamic of our relationship forever. I was reminded of this message and the impact it had on our relationship when I received the same message tonight from the same person: "Keep my dad in your prayers." Even in the varying wording of the two messages, I can see the difference in our relationship. Better, of course. More open; more trusting.

Just a few days after receiving that message I received another. An email from the Pastor at the Campus Ministry I attended on occasion; a long-time friend and important member of this ministry had been killed on New Year's Eve. I was speechless. To this day, I'm still shocked at the idea of him being gone. I could never express to you what an amazing person our world lost that night. I know that you only ever hear the good things about those who have passed, but I don't think I could come up with anything bad to say about Michael if I wanted to. He was a blessing to everyone he spoke to. I am honored that I was able to call him my friend for a few short years.

There's something about this time of year. It evokes reflection and nostalgia on just about everyone. It's especially hard when you've lost someone. It absolutely breaks my heart when my friends ask me for prayer. I love praying for people, I really do, but I kind of hate knowing that they *need* it.

Tonight, when I received that message, I was so much more heartbroken than I ever expected to be. In the back of my mind, I knew it was an option, but I was nearly in tears--and would have been if I wasn't so good at distracting myself. I will faithfully pray for 'Dad' everyday for as long as it takes, but it will break my heart. For him; for his family. Please pray with me for this man and his doctors as they try to learn more about what's wrong. And please pray for the Warren family as they struggle through the holiday season with the heartache of missing their son.

Blessed is he who has regard for the weak;

the Lord delivers him in times of trouble.

The Lord will protect him and preserve his life;

he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes.

The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness.

Psalm 41:1-3

Boom Boom Boom

I get carried away by the look

By the light in your eyes

Before I even realize the ride I'm on

Baby, I'm long gone

I get carried away

Cravings

I can't wait to feel the rush of traveling.

Can't wait.

I'm craving traveling almost as much as I'm craving adventure.

Exercise

Today in the middle of a run on the elliptical, I decided to do some floor exercises. To do this, I needed one of my tools which was in the car. So I ran to the car (actually ran). Then I gave a real run a shot. I ran a circle around my apartment (approx. 1/2 a mile), and before I made it back I was limping from pain in my right knee and hip.

I guess I just needed a reminder as to why I need that elliptical.

So sad.

Running outside was so much more fulfilling!

Belongings

"The God of heaven will give us success. We his servants will start rebuilding, but as for you, you have no share in Jerusalem or any claim or historic right to it." - Nehemiah 2:20

As the Lord calls people and situations into our lives, He asks us to pour into them and build them up. The Lord called Nehemiah to rebuild Jerusalem, the city in which his Fathers were buried. Because of the Lord's favor, he was provided many men to also pour into Jerusalem and build it up. But Nehemiah understood something the other men did not. Just because they were spending their energy and time rebuilding this city as their families were home alone without men, did not mean they had any right to the final product.

How many times have I been called to a person or place to pour God's love in, then felt as though I had a right speak my mind into he/she/it? Hundreds, I'm sure. But I have no right. Everything good I do is God using me as a vessel--it's not my idea, plan, or even implementation. I don't get to decide what happens next. In all things, no matter how wise I think I am, I must seek the Lord for guidance and truth before making any decision.

Wow.

Memories

I love the way the mind works. How it plays memories back just like a movie.

At night when I'm trying to sleep, I can close my eyes and I'm back in Hong Kong.

Walking over the bridge to the mall in Sha Tin.

Standing in TST looking across the canal into Central.

Finding my way through Festival Walk by myself for the first time.

Walking back to the hotel at midnight.

Sitting quietly on top of Lamma Island watching ships sail in.

I can see it all clear as day. I want so badly to go back there, but I know it won't be the same. As much as I miss it, my ten days in Hong Kong will forever be cherished and will forever be sealed in my mind. Memories. I don't want to ruin them by trying to recreate them. They're perfect just the way they are.

Thank You, Lord, for blessing me with the most amazing Spring Break. Thank You for blessing me with the opportunity to experience you in a whole new way. I love you.