Fall Into Place

It's happening.

I remember interviewing with Debbie. She talked about constantly changing responsibilities, jumping from one thing to another, then back to the first, and being stretched in 100 different directions all at once. It took 8 months, but it's happening.

I'm so glad to finally be so busy with so much to do and so much stress that I'm going 100 mph, and waking up ridiculously early everyday. I really am glad. This is how I was made to function.

It's also nice to have a job that can translate into any industry, anywhere. So much security!

Desperation

Prayer is likely the most promoted action in the Christian world. If you're not sure, pray! If you want something, pray! If you're too tired, pray! If you can't, pray! If you need guidance, pray!

Guidance. Hmmm.

There are few things in this world that I believe without wavering: the sun will rise and fall each day--though I don't always see it; the only thing I really need to keep living is to keep breathing and the rest will follow; there is a good God that not only loves and cares for me (and every other individual), but wants to be part of our daily lives; and I believe that each of us has a spirit inside of us--some call it a conscience--and that spirit is our guidance.

There is belief in the Christian world that upon acceptance of Jesus as the savior of your life, the Holy Spirit enters your body/mind/spirit and begins crafting the new creation that you now are into a person and a life that is wholly please to God (itself). I suppose I believe this as well, maybe. I definitely feel that spirit, and have most of my life.


Prayer. Growing up I was blessed with great guidance from God, but I still did some stupid stuff. So many times I would go to church and hear, "Pray! Pray and the answers will come to you! Ask and you will receive!" And I would go home and pray about the stupid stuff I was doing. I wanted America's instant satisfaction so desperately that I ignored the Spirit inside me and prayed begged God to approve of whatever I wanted to do. In all honesty, there was no point. I knew already--if only I had listened--what I needed to do. What the right thing was, but I wanted what I wanted more than I wanted what was right--some would say what God wanted--so I just prayed.

One season of my life I woke up every morning aching from the inside out with dishonesty. I lied everyday to myself about how what I was doing was the right thing, and I prayed constantly for relief, for clarity, for guidance. Why? Because I was in denial. I was believing all of the untruth that the church had preached for all of those years and it resulted in lies--the Bible says that sin begets sin and death. This writhing of my heart and spirit led me into the deepest depression I've ever experienced--one I'm not 100% free from. There were days when I was having suicidal thoughts, and I gained about 15 pounds because I had no self-respect or motivation to each healthy or exercise. The beginning of my recovery was acceptance that no matter how much sense something makes, that doesn't make it true. Ultimately, I learned that the Spirit overrides the mind. Everytime.

Today I have realized that prayer for guidance isn't the answer. Sometimes you've got it already and you only need to pray for strength to follow through. I have also realized that God's legit. He is REAL guys. Not in the "not fake" sense of the term, but in the "reality" sense. He's not a fool, blind, or dumb--He's ready to guide you into a life filled with joy and happiness.

Sometimes was makes sense in your mind doesn't follow with where the Spirit is leading. Take a chance and follow the Spirit. Your mind will be amazed.

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Quote of the Weekend

"Women are really bad at judging the attractiveness of other women." - WLG

Please Help

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http://billygrahamfund.readylaunch.com/

Kiddie Pool

I have always been drawn to water. The paradox of danger and peace it lends to our language can be twisted and turned into a hundred different metaphors. It is even said that drowning is the most peaceful way to die--though I don't know how one would test out a theory like that. Tonight, I will exploit water, once again.

"How's 2011 treating you?" I ask, knowing the answer, but trying to keep the conversation falsely jovial.

"Eh." He replies, sugar coating the truth.

"Yeah. I've decided that January's the worst month of the year."

"It's miserable. And it just started."

"At this point I don't think it could get much worse, really." I say without considering my words in advance. I've grown that habit around Leon. Thankfully he understands, but he still responds harshly.

"Well, I could have cancer and be two weeks from possibly losing my eye."

For the second time in a month, these words have taken my breath. I find myself ashamed that I had begun to forget.

It's not all that surprising when tragedy strikes and we find ourselves reexamining our priorities. I always end up taking more time to read when I realize the short amount of time I have in life. Not that I think reading will accomplish anything for me after death, but I, honestly, hate watching TV and I should enjoy my life while I still have my health. Additionally, I find myself to be disgusted with our culture. We spend so much time focused on instant gratification and satisfying our immediate needs that we miss out on the wonders and the beauty of life. I am so very guilty of this. Lately I've been trying (here comes the metaphor) to climb my way out of the kiddie pool I've been swimming in and make my way into a pond--at least.

I want each day to be a challenge. A struggle to stay afloat. Not miserably, but an exciting struggle. I want to be challenged to the point of breaking. I want to be so exhausted that I need to tread water for a while in order to rest. I don't want to sit in a few shallow inches of water until they turn room temperature. Where's the adventure in that? Where's the danger that water brings if the my biggest fear is being afraid I'll fall asleep and drown?? If I'm going to lose myself in this world, it's going to be because I worked so hard to learn more about it that I couldn't find my way out. I'm not going to let myself go on auto-pilot and fall into the same nauseating trap that our world seems to live in.

I want struggles. I want hard times. I want to lose my faith, my life, my heart, so that I can search my way through this world and find it again.

I won't be blind. I won't be ignorant. I won't sit in a kiddie pool forever. When I die, it's going to be in an ocean, finding joy between the peace and the dangers of this world.

This Is No Time To Pray

At the bottom of this post is the sermon that inspired it. I recommend that you watch all four of the parts of that series, but, if you don't want to, this one will do.

"That which is devoted is among you, O Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove it."

I have been struggling for a long time with this spiritual discomfort and lack of peace. I have prayed and prayed and prayed (very shallowly) for peace in life and my heart. Through this time I have been significantly blessed with meaningful relationships, good fortune, and love. Life is good. But I'm not happy and haven't been for a while. I've been close to happy, but not wholly satisfied.

As Mr. Stanley puts it in an earlier sermon, when I'm alone and by myself I know that there's something missing--there's something I can't fix.

What I keep coming back to is something I'm not convinced is bad. I'm not convinced it's sinful. I'm not even convinced I've been wrong in my actions in this area. But I cannot act on this without guilt and increased spiritual discomfort.

What if I'm wrong? What if this is not something that's OK? What if I cannot stand against my enemies until I've removed this act from my life?

This is a great fear for me. Because I don't want to stop. I don't want to move on--not wholly.

What do I do? I can't stop alone. I'm not even sure I want to. But I want to be free. Why can't I be free from the guilt? GUILT IS NOT FROM GOD!!

Lord, help me to behave in a way that will bring me back to spiritual peace. Lord, give me (PLEASE) an opportunity to take action. You opened that door for me in one place. In that place, I'm living in fear for a whole other reason. Guide me into action, please. I want peace. I want to talk to you about everything. I want to know you as a TRUE father. I want to feel your hand on my back when I'm hurting. You are not an idiot; I cannot fool you. Show me the way and I will follow. Yes I will. Don't let me use the excuse of potential discomfort to keep me from action, to keep me from spiritual comfort and peace. Thank you.

http://www2.northpointministries.org/player/player.jsp?occurrenceID=4586

Heartache

A year ago, possibly to the day, I received a text from a dear friend saying "Will you please pray for my dad?" If I am to be completely honest, it is probably this text message that changed the dynamic of our relationship forever. I was reminded of this message and the impact it had on our relationship when I received the same message tonight from the same person: "Keep my dad in your prayers." Even in the varying wording of the two messages, I can see the difference in our relationship. Better, of course. More open; more trusting.

Just a few days after receiving that message I received another. An email from the Pastor at the Campus Ministry I attended on occasion; a long-time friend and important member of this ministry had been killed on New Year's Eve. I was speechless. To this day, I'm still shocked at the idea of him being gone. I could never express to you what an amazing person our world lost that night. I know that you only ever hear the good things about those who have passed, but I don't think I could come up with anything bad to say about Michael if I wanted to. He was a blessing to everyone he spoke to. I am honored that I was able to call him my friend for a few short years.

There's something about this time of year. It evokes reflection and nostalgia on just about everyone. It's especially hard when you've lost someone. It absolutely breaks my heart when my friends ask me for prayer. I love praying for people, I really do, but I kind of hate knowing that they *need* it.

Tonight, when I received that message, I was so much more heartbroken than I ever expected to be. In the back of my mind, I knew it was an option, but I was nearly in tears--and would have been if I wasn't so good at distracting myself. I will faithfully pray for 'Dad' everyday for as long as it takes, but it will break my heart. For him; for his family. Please pray with me for this man and his doctors as they try to learn more about what's wrong. And please pray for the Warren family as they struggle through the holiday season with the heartache of missing their son.

Blessed is he who has regard for the weak;

the Lord delivers him in times of trouble.

The Lord will protect him and preserve his life;

he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes.

The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness.

Psalm 41:1-3

Boom Boom Boom

I get carried away by the look

By the light in your eyes

Before I even realize the ride I'm on

Baby, I'm long gone

I get carried away

Cravings

I can't wait to feel the rush of traveling.

Can't wait.

I'm craving traveling almost as much as I'm craving adventure.

Exercise

Today in the middle of a run on the elliptical, I decided to do some floor exercises. To do this, I needed one of my tools which was in the car. So I ran to the car (actually ran). Then I gave a real run a shot. I ran a circle around my apartment (approx. 1/2 a mile), and before I made it back I was limping from pain in my right knee and hip.

I guess I just needed a reminder as to why I need that elliptical.

So sad.

Running outside was so much more fulfilling!

Belongings

"The God of heaven will give us success. We his servants will start rebuilding, but as for you, you have no share in Jerusalem or any claim or historic right to it." - Nehemiah 2:20

As the Lord calls people and situations into our lives, He asks us to pour into them and build them up. The Lord called Nehemiah to rebuild Jerusalem, the city in which his Fathers were buried. Because of the Lord's favor, he was provided many men to also pour into Jerusalem and build it up. But Nehemiah understood something the other men did not. Just because they were spending their energy and time rebuilding this city as their families were home alone without men, did not mean they had any right to the final product.

How many times have I been called to a person or place to pour God's love in, then felt as though I had a right speak my mind into he/she/it? Hundreds, I'm sure. But I have no right. Everything good I do is God using me as a vessel--it's not my idea, plan, or even implementation. I don't get to decide what happens next. In all things, no matter how wise I think I am, I must seek the Lord for guidance and truth before making any decision.

Wow.

Memories

I love the way the mind works. How it plays memories back just like a movie.

At night when I'm trying to sleep, I can close my eyes and I'm back in Hong Kong.

Walking over the bridge to the mall in Sha Tin.

Standing in TST looking across the canal into Central.

Finding my way through Festival Walk by myself for the first time.

Walking back to the hotel at midnight.

Sitting quietly on top of Lamma Island watching ships sail in.

I can see it all clear as day. I want so badly to go back there, but I know it won't be the same. As much as I miss it, my ten days in Hong Kong will forever be cherished and will forever be sealed in my mind. Memories. I don't want to ruin them by trying to recreate them. They're perfect just the way they are.

Thank You, Lord, for blessing me with the most amazing Spring Break. Thank You for blessing me with the opportunity to experience you in a whole new way. I love you.

Optimism

It's amazing how I can always find the best in people, but it never works out for me. They never can see the best in themselves and I get the short-end-of-the-stick.

One day.

Hoosier

I still miss you everyday.

"Give to Caesar what is Caesar's" - Jesus

As I sit and ponder all the ways I can get out from under my student loans faster than (enter cliche phrase here), I think I have stumbled upon something interesting.

One of my very favorite things to do is analyze people. I like to deconstruct the way people interact to one another, to situations, and tangible things they encounter. Something that we each encounter every day is money. It's regularly discussed how people interact with money: some people spend, some people save, et cetera, et cetera.

I hate money. No, I don't think you understand. I HATE MONEY. I hate what it stands for; I hate the way people idolize it; and I hate--more than I hate the devil himself--that it is a necessity in our culture. We'll come back to that.

I have heard people say "I don't go to work." For those of you who don't know, they're not saying that they don't have a job (well, these days they might be saying just that), they're saying that they love their job so much that it doesn't feel like work. It's what they love to do.

For those of you who have ever been in debt, you know what it feels like. For the past three years I have been accruing student loans to pay for my housing. I also used those loans to pay for an amazing and once-in-a-lifetime trip to Hong Kong. (I learned so much about myself, our culture, and their culture while I was there. I don't regret that time for a second.) During those blissful college years, the loans were a means. I was not emotionally involved in the money and was unaware of what it truly meant to spend it--it wasn't mine. Now that I am out of college I have exactly $18,000 in debt (accruing interest, of course). It's not much in comparison to some people, but eighteen thousand dollars is a lot of money. Don't even get me started on what I would do with that. Right now, though, I am enslaved to that amount.

Here's where the late-night insight comes in: I am enslaved to the thing I hate most. But not everyone hates money. In fact, some people *love* it. So I have to wonder: for those people who love money, is being enslaved to money as enjoyable as loving your job? If so, do those people understand how much of what they love is being lost by being indebted to others? I hate money and I hate being in debt. Thus, I am doing everything I can to get rid of it in two to three years, and I will end up saving literally thousands because of it. But so many people spend their entire lives paying off loans and the interest from the loans and they don't realize all the amazing things they can do with the money they're paying in interest. Although, to those who love money, those amazing things may be as useless as buying a $100,000 car the day before you die.

Ok. That wasn't a successful wrap, but I'll leave all two of you who read this to continue the thoughts in your head. Let me know if you come up with anything good.

"And they were amazed at Him" - Mark 12:17

"I was made to love and be loved by You." - Toby Mac

Most days, I really enjoy my job. I work hard, keep productivity high, and make sure we're in the positives. However, my list of things to do is growing increasingly (And most of them I don't know how to do). Well, the list is in my head. I'm afraid to write it down because I think I'm going to forget something. It's so stressful. There are so many things to juggle. And with the potential impending doom, I think I may explode--or, worse, let my boss see me cry.

If I weren't enslaved to these stupid student loans, I'd be purchasing a plane ticket to Scotland for TOMORROW. I need to serve. THAT'S what I was made for. Not this.

*sigh*

"I can't figure out just how much air I will need to breathe when Your tide rushes over me." - Needtobreathe

"Even now," declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning."

Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing--grain offerings for the Lord your God.

- Joel 2:12-14

He is calling me. And I WILL answer. It's time to turn and run, time to find my wholeness in the Lord, time to receive peace in my life once again.

Here I am.

Saturday Morning.

I really like mornings. I like to take them slow. It seems to be the only time of day that I can do things as I please. Lately I've been waking up with a strong desire to cook a full meal. Of course, I never have time for such things in the morning, so I really wish I could have that desire when I get home from work. But, alas, here it is. I could make chili or taco meat. That would be delish. But not now, unfortunately. One day I'll live in a house again and I'll be able to use that beautiful grill my dad bought me a couple of years ago. Ahhh... I had some good times on that grill before the law caught up with me.

Today is day two of Turn. The company is handling it well and George seems to be really excited about where the company is headed. We've almost got all the numbers figured out. Tomorrow is the First of August. I have deemed August the Month of Efficiency. We are going to be super smart with our time this month. There's a schedule and a focus and a goal. Not to mention, with turn behind us we don't have to feel like we're sitting on our hands with half of our projects.

Today is going to be a very productive day. Then I'm going to come home and get on my elliptical! :) Oh how I love my new toy!

<3

Love

I want it.

I need it.

I have it.

:)