It's happening.
I remember interviewing with Debbie. She talked about constantly changing responsibilities, jumping from one thing to another, then back to the first, and being stretched in 100 different directions all at once. It took 8 months, but it's happening.
I'm so glad to finally be so busy with so much to do and so much stress that I'm going 100 mph, and waking up ridiculously early everyday. I really am glad. This is how I was made to function.
It's also nice to have a job that can translate into any industry, anywhere. So much security!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Desperation
Prayer is likely the most promoted action in the Christian world. If you're not sure, pray! If you want something, pray! If you're too tired, pray! If you can't, pray! If you need guidance, pray!
Guidance. Hmmm.
There are few things in this world that I believe without wavering: the sun will rise and fall each day--though I don't always see it; the only thing I really need to keep living is to keep breathing and the rest will follow; there is a good God that not only loves and cares for me (and every other individual), but wants to be part of our daily lives; and I believe that each of us has a spirit inside of us--some call it a conscience--and that spirit is our guidance.
There is belief in the Christian world that upon acceptance of Jesus as the savior of your life, the Holy Spirit enters your body/mind/spirit and begins crafting the new creation that you now are into a person and a life that is wholly please to God (itself). I suppose I believe this as well, maybe. I definitely feel that spirit, and have most of my life.
Prayer. Growing up I was blessed with great guidance from God, but I still did some stupid stuff. So many times I would go to church and hear, "Pray! Pray and the answers will come to you! Ask and you will receive!" And I would go home and pray about the stupid stuff I was doing. I wanted America's instant satisfaction so desperately that I ignored the Spirit inside me andprayed begged God to approve of whatever I wanted to do. In all honesty, there was no point. I knew already--if only I had listened--what I needed to do. What the right thing was, but I wanted what I wanted more than I wanted what was right--some would say what God wanted--so I just prayed.
One season of my life I woke up every morning aching from the inside out with dishonesty. I lied everyday to myself about how what I was doing was the right thing, and I prayed constantly for relief, for clarity, for guidance. Why? Because I was in denial. I was believing all of the untruth that the church had preached for all of those years and it resulted in lies--the Bible says that sin begets sin and death. This writhing of my heart and spirit led me into the deepest depression I've ever experienced--one I'm not 100% free from. There were days when I was having suicidal thoughts, and I gained about 15 pounds because I had no self-respect or motivation to each healthy or exercise. The beginning of my recovery was acceptance that no matter how much sense something makes, that doesn't make it true. Ultimately, I learned that the Spirit overrides the mind. Everytime.
Today I have realized that prayer for guidance isn't the answer. Sometimes you've got it already and you only need to pray for strength to follow through. I have also realized that God's legit. He is REAL guys. Not in the "not fake" sense of the term, but in the "reality" sense. He's not a fool, blind, or dumb--He's ready to guide you into a life filled with joy and happiness.
Sometimes was makes sense in your mind doesn't follow with where the Spirit is leading. Take a chance and follow the Spirit. Your mind will be amazed.
Guidance. Hmmm.
There are few things in this world that I believe without wavering: the sun will rise and fall each day--though I don't always see it; the only thing I really need to keep living is to keep breathing and the rest will follow; there is a good God that not only loves and cares for me (and every other individual), but wants to be part of our daily lives; and I believe that each of us has a spirit inside of us--some call it a conscience--and that spirit is our guidance.
There is belief in the Christian world that upon acceptance of Jesus as the savior of your life, the Holy Spirit enters your body/mind/spirit and begins crafting the new creation that you now are into a person and a life that is wholly please to God (itself). I suppose I believe this as well, maybe. I definitely feel that spirit, and have most of my life.
Prayer. Growing up I was blessed with great guidance from God, but I still did some stupid stuff. So many times I would go to church and hear, "Pray! Pray and the answers will come to you! Ask and you will receive!" And I would go home and pray about the stupid stuff I was doing. I wanted America's instant satisfaction so desperately that I ignored the Spirit inside me and
One season of my life I woke up every morning aching from the inside out with dishonesty. I lied everyday to myself about how what I was doing was the right thing, and I prayed constantly for relief, for clarity, for guidance. Why? Because I was in denial. I was believing all of the untruth that the church had preached for all of those years and it resulted in lies--the Bible says that sin begets sin and death. This writhing of my heart and spirit led me into the deepest depression I've ever experienced--one I'm not 100% free from. There were days when I was having suicidal thoughts, and I gained about 15 pounds because I had no self-respect or motivation to each healthy or exercise. The beginning of my recovery was acceptance that no matter how much sense something makes, that doesn't make it true. Ultimately, I learned that the Spirit overrides the mind. Everytime.
Today I have realized that prayer for guidance isn't the answer. Sometimes you've got it already and you only need to pray for strength to follow through. I have also realized that God's legit. He is REAL guys. Not in the "not fake" sense of the term, but in the "reality" sense. He's not a fool, blind, or dumb--He's ready to guide you into a life filled with joy and happiness.
Sometimes was makes sense in your mind doesn't follow with where the Spirit is leading. Take a chance and follow the Spirit. Your mind will be amazed.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Please Help
This is a great man. Truly wonderful Son of our Lord. Please consider donating.
http://billygrahamfund.readylaunch.com/
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Kiddie Pool
I have always been drawn to water. The paradox of danger and peace it lends to our language can be twisted and turned into a hundred different metaphors. It is even said that drowning is the most peaceful way to die--though I don't know how one would test out a theory like that. Tonight, I will exploit water, once again.
"How's 2011 treating you?" I ask, knowing the answer, but trying to keep the conversation falsely jovial.
"Eh." He replies, sugar coating the truth.
"Yeah. I've decided that January's the worst month of the year."
"It's miserable. And it just started."
"At this point I don't think it could get much worse, really." I say without considering my words in advance. I've grown that habit around Leon. Thankfully he understands, but he still responds harshly.
"Well, I could have cancer and be two weeks from possibly losing my eye."
For the second time in a month, these words have taken my breath. I find myself ashamed that I had begun to forget.
It's not all that surprising when tragedy strikes and we find ourselves reexamining our priorities. I always end up taking more time to read when I realize the short amount of time I have in life. Not that I think reading will accomplish anything for me after death, but I, honestly, hate watching TV and I should enjoy my life while I still have my health. Additionally, I find myself to be disgusted with our culture. We spend so much time focused on instant gratification and satisfying our immediate needs that we miss out on the wonders and the beauty of life. I am so very guilty of this. Lately I've been trying (here comes the metaphor) to climb my way out of the kiddie pool I've been swimming in and make my way into a pond--at least.
I want each day to be a challenge. A struggle to stay afloat. Not miserably, but an exciting struggle. I want to be challenged to the point of breaking. I want to be so exhausted that I need to tread water for a while in order to rest. I don't want to sit in a few shallow inches of water until they turn room temperature. Where's the adventure in that? Where's the danger that water brings if the my biggest fear is being afraid I'll fall asleep and drown?? If I'm going to lose myself in this world, it's going to be because I worked so hard to learn more about it that I couldn't find my way out. I'm not going to let myself go on auto-pilot and fall into the same nauseating trap that our world seems to live in.
I want struggles. I want hard times. I want to lose my faith, my life, my heart, so that I can search my way through this world and find it again.
I won't be blind. I won't be ignorant. I won't sit in a kiddie pool forever. When I die, it's going to be in an ocean, finding joy between the peace and the dangers of this world.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
This Is No Time To Pray
At the bottom of this post is the sermon that inspired it. I recommend that you watch all four of the parts of that series, but, if you don't want to, this one will do.
"That which is devoted is among you, O Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove it."
I have been struggling for a long time with this spiritual discomfort and lack of peace. I have prayed and prayed and prayed (very shallowly) for peace in life and my heart. Through this time I have been significantly blessed with meaningful relationships, good fortune, and love. Life is good. But I'm not happy and haven't been for a while. I've been close to happy, but not wholly satisfied.
As Mr. Stanley puts it in an earlier sermon, when I'm alone and by myself I know that there's something missing--there's something I can't fix.
What I keep coming back to is something I'm not convinced is bad. I'm not convinced it's sinful. I'm not even convinced I've been wrong in my actions in this area. But I cannot act on this without guilt and increased spiritual discomfort.
What if I'm wrong? What if this is not something that's OK? What if I cannot stand against my enemies until I've removed this act from my life?
This is a great fear for me. Because I don't want to stop. I don't want to move on--not wholly.
What do I do? I can't stop alone. I'm not even sure I want to. But I want to be free. Why can't I be free from the guilt? GUILT IS NOT FROM GOD!!
Lord, help me to behave in a way that will bring me back to spiritual peace. Lord, give me (PLEASE) an opportunity to take action. You opened that door for me in one place. In that place, I'm living in fear for a whole other reason. Guide me into action, please. I want peace. I want to talk to you about everything. I want to know you as a TRUE father. I want to feel your hand on my back when I'm hurting. You are not an idiot; I cannot fool you. Show me the way and I will follow. Yes I will. Don't let me use the excuse of potential discomfort to keep me from action, to keep me from spiritual comfort and peace. Thank you.
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